It's still only January?!?

I walked into 2012 with high hopes. It's halfway through January and I don't feel much better than I did at the end of 2011. It's tough out here, kids. It's tough. I struggle everyday and a lot of nights I break into tears. Journey girl is the only one who really sees me how I am. When I cry, when I hurt, when I'm so sad I'm get mad and hit or kick things. And I'm not upset with anyone, really, just myself. I am just so tired of being alone, so tired of going to bed alone, not having anyone to talk to when I get home from work. No one to tell about my day, to share my trials and celebrations with.
I'm so grateful for Lacey and Caroline and Kelsey and Andrea. They are three who are all married, with families but yet, find time to check up on me. To take care of me. To love me. And I need it. There are times I need it so bad, and sometimes more than I even think I do. I so want to join their club of being married and having kids. I want it. I don't know when I will get it though.
I look for the connection Joel and I had when I was 16. It was a connection I have never had since. We were so alike, it was frightening. We thought alike, we had the same jokes, laughed at the same things. It was one in a million. We were supposed to be together.
Then we grew up.
And we grew apart.
But, I want that again.
But not with him.
I'm ready to find him.

Someday.

2011 in a nutshell

I'm a bit late on this but my tops of 2011 are finally here.
I'm not going to lie either, 2011 was a tough year. Physically, mentally, emotionally and financially.

Not a lot of huge things happened in 2011 but parts of it was rough.

1. My grandmother passed away. She was 98 years old and a truly wonderful woman. She was this little thing who had so much spunk and attitude. As she got older that spunk and attitude faded. I saw it fade considerably after my 101 year old grandfather passed away in 2007. And honestly, I am surprised she lived so long after he passed. They were married just shy of 74 years and after spending that much time together, I would think it would be difficult to continue. But, she carried on. And I am grateful for it. As we both got older it became my duty to either take her to or from Boston every year or so, so she could visit. I loved it. It was one of my favorite things. I will forever cherish those times I had with her.

2. One of my college professors passed away in November. I hadn't been in journalism in almost five years but because of Les Anderson I can edit the hell out of stuff. I catch almost everything in emails, newsletters and Facebook status' (and whether I am supposed to put an "s" after the ' is still beyond me. I should probably check the Stylebook). My coworkers give me things to proof constantly. And I thank Les. He took his time for everyone and made every one of his students feel as though they are the most important person at the time of him talking to them. He helped me find my first job in journalism as a sports writer. I wouldn't have ever gotten there had it not been for him.

3. Margaret Rose. The same year we lose Antoinette Grace, we gain Margaret Rose. My first niece and she's perfect. She's so wonderful to have around and the year Grandpa Bianco died we got Michael Cooper. And we found out his middle name on my Grandpa Cooper's birthday. His middle name: Cooper. :) I can't wait to watch Maggie grow up with two older brothers. I can't wait to share my American Girl books with her and help her be a tomboy but girly at the same time.

4. I moved from my house after 5 years. Ok, nearly five years. I spent so much time there, it was time for a change. I needed something new and at the VERY end of 2011, I packed boxes and bags and moved stuff about 3 miles away. And I believe it was one of the best moves. Granted I don't know anyone so I'm alone a lot, I feel better about myself. A new year, a new place. It's a good start, right? I'd like to think so. By the end of the year, I will find out if it was a good move. I've got 12 months to find out.

5. More babies. Lacey and Caroline are both expecting again. And I am so excited for them! Caroline is having a boy for sure and I'm pretty sure Lacey is too. I just have that feeling- or well, Brian's grandmother has that feeling. And those feelings are pretty dang accurate.

6. Andrea ran her first 10k in June. She wanted to start running and we hooked up and started running. I believe Jon had a hand in this. It had been so long since we had seen or spoken to each other, we needed this time to get back and know each other and watch each other grow up again. We both needed and need it.

2011 wasn't all that bad, but it was tough. I am glad to see it go and hope 2012 is better.

A better year to come?

Here is hoping 2012 is a better year.

I'm ready for 2011 to come to a close and a new beginning to happen.

To help myself in this project, after just short of five years at my current address, I am changing it. And I'm excited.

I think.

This is a tough move for me to make. I spent my late twenties at this house. I learned so many stories about the people who lived in this house and I made my own memories.

I have locked myself out of my house not once, not twice but at LEAST three times. A couple of those times I happened to have an old gift card in my wallet to where I used to break into my own house. I then later proceeded to break my key in my door, yeah my dad loved that one. My neighbors have been helpful since I gave them a key, I have been able to get back into my house much easier. Luckily- I was never locked out when they weren't home nor did I need a key to his house to retrieve a key. Bonus.

I had an ugly sweater party at Christmas one year. I kicked the last group out at 3 a.m. and they ended up bothering my neighbors. Oops. Multiple birthday parties were celebrated here. Some outside, some inside, none dull. I found a 5k route in the neighborhood. I'm biking distance from Dillon's, QuikTrip, and the liquor store. Well, three liquor stores for that matter. I have friends in this area.

I also have one I need to not ever see and unfortunately, I have seen him recently. Not by choice but driving. I haven't done anything different on my routes it has just happened. And considering I haven't seen him much in the five years I've been here and I'm seeing him more now, it's a good sign it's time to move.

I hate moving. I hate packing more than I hate moving. I realize I have a lot of shit. But I have to say, most of it is put away or boxed up. I hope I can keep this up. I like being neat and clean, but I'm not OCD about it. this is my chance to toss things I don't need or want or use anymore. And it's a hard to let part of my past go. Especially my photography side. I haven't used any of my darkroom stuff since I moved here...before I moved here actually. I haven't used it since I moved from the duplex the first time. And I'm ok with letting it go. It was a great time in my life, but I'm over it. I'm a different person now and I'm good with that.

I just need to get rid of my past.

this is a good move for me. It really is, but I can't help but be sad I'm leaving here. Since I moved out from my parents' house when I was 20, this is the longest I have lived at a place without moving. I hate this, I hate moving. And I hate asking people for help to move. I have people who have been so helpful in offering their help or their trucks. I just feel like an inconvenience with it all. Which I'm sure I am, but who isn't at times, right?

I'm just ready to be in new place, new year. Something good has to come out of this, right? I need a good year. I need some good luck. I hope 2012 is holding it.

Dammit, Les!

A New York minute.

Things can change in a second.

It was the last thing I expected.

I was on my way to bed because I had to work in the morning and we all know I'm not a morning person.

After a text message, I knew it was going to be a long night. Sleep was no longer a priority.

It was about our mentor, editing guru, professor, friend, go-to-with-all-questions-journalism, Les Anderson.

Teresa sent me a message saying Les Anderson died of a heart attack.

I couldn't even respond.

I had to call her and get all of information, just as Les would tell us to do.


I then went online. I went to Facebook, Twitter. Trying to find out as much information as I could. I felt like I was back in the journalism world, trying to get my facts straight.

*************

It was 2003 and I had just transferred to Wichita State after playing tennis for two years at Butler County. I was nervous about my first time at Wichita State especially in the Elliott School of Communication. I was scared, actually. But, my classes with Les made them much more bearable.

I was a photographer trying to figure out how to get my degree. I had to take a reporting class and we were able to choose what we wanted to cover. I snagged sports. I didn't know anything about about writing, but I knew I loved sports. It didn't matter to Les. He taught us to never have a "first annual" (if it hasn't happened, it can't be a first annual). I still fight with coworkers about this, knowing I am in the right. I learned to never use "very" unless you are speaking about a woman who is pregnant. Reporting 1 and 2 were difficult for me. I didn't want to be a writer. Les knew what I was passionate about. Photography. WSU didn't have a photojournalism class, so Les took me on and became my mentor. I took an independent study with him my last semester to help me get my portfolio in order.

I was the first one to have an electronic portfolio. And I was nervous as hell about it.

Near the end of the semester, I walked down to The Sunflower and there was a message for me from Les. He needed to see me as soon as possible. I was nervous. I didn't know what he needed but if he needed to see me, it was important. I ran up to his office, where my editor was talking to him. I knocked on the door and he looked at me with a serious look on his face.

Courtney and I had just put together a spread of photos of the year and I had taken a photo of the plane crash memorial and we placed it in the paper.


Les had seen the photo.

I asked what was up and Les grabbed the issue of The Sunflower and pointed to the photo. He looked directly at me and asked, "Why isn't this photo in your portfolio?"
I answered with a shameful, "I don't know."
"Put it in there. You have something no one else has. No one else has that memorial picture."
"Ok. I will put it in. Thanks, Les."
"You bet."

This was the kind of professor who never gave up on his students. He would edit our work, talk to us about our lives and help us find jobs. He took extra time to edit our portfolios, go over stories or help us find the right words. He pushed us to be better. He pushed to go outside of our comfort zone. He pushed us to look for the deeper story. He would edit and re-edit our stories countless times until it was right.

He trusted a bunch of college kids to run a paper, go to class and change lives. Little did he know he changed all of OUR lives.

It was Les who helped me get my first sports writing job. He believed I was a better writer than I gave myself credit for. But he also believed in my photography work. Also during my last semester, he asked Wichita Eagle photo-guru Travis Heying to show me the ropes and check out my work. It started a friendship that has lasted over six years.

I left the journalism world in 2007 to go into teaching. A calling I should have listened to in 2005, but that is neither here nor there. Being in the education department, I rarely made it to Elliott School of Communication. There were days I would go for a run between classes, just as I had done when I was enrolled at ESC, I would think about my days and nights at The Sunflower where we would hang out and watch trailers for Napoleon Dynomite and then go to IHOP for breakfast at 2 a.m. after the paper was sent.

There are times when I miss all of it.

I don't write stories anymore. I write in my blog every so often. The grammar isn't what it should be. I don't take photos much either, but there are days when I do and I realize how much I miss it. I sometimes think Les would be upset I left journalism, but learned he wouldn't be. He would understand and remind me not to forget where I started.
He believed in me more than I believed in myself. He would know teaching is where I should be.

And teaching is where I need to be.

I always thought, "If I'm half the physical education teacher my father was, I'll consider myself lucky." That thought is still there but, yesterday another thought was added.
If I can make an impact on a student the way Les Anderson impacted my life, I'll consider myself pretty darn lucky.

It's been a long time since I've seen or spoken to Les. I'll never forget how important he made me feel when I had a question for him. While I was talking to him, he would make you feel as though you were the most important person in the world. It was rare if you didn't learn something from Les during the day. He was always teaching and we were always learning.

I remember when he covered for Dan Close's editing for print class. I had a large school load my last semester and I think I had Les for over half of those classes. He said something about me being sick of seeing him. I told him I figured he has to be sick of seeing me.

He never made me feel like a failure, although I had many times where I felt as though I had. He cared so much about all of us. I believe he cared so much about us and he was cared for in the same reflection.

Les never wanted to be in the spotlight. It wasn't his thing. He would always put his students in front of him. He made us feel worthy of the front page. But Les deserved it more times than not. And sadly, the ending of his life gave him the front page. He had to have it. It wouldn't have been right had he not taken the front page of the Wichita Eagle.

He was honored last month and I am so glad he was and that he was able to be there. I'm sad I wasn't able to be. He finally got to be honored and know how much he meant to people.

Sunday night, he was honored at the ESC with a candlelight vigil. I was going to go, but I couldn't bring myself to go. I felt I have been out of the journalism world too long to come back. I should have realized Les would have wanted me there.

When I saw him when I graduated in 2005, I thanked him for helping me. I hope he knew I was thanking him for everything he had ever done. I was thanking him for the impact he had made and was still going to make on how wrote, took photos and then changed careers. I hope he knew he made an impact, a positive one at that, on my life.

I hope he knew. God, I hope he knew.

Margaret Rose

Yesterday, I was blessed with my very first niece. She came in at 6 pounds, 3 ounces, 19 inches long and at 156 am on October 01, 2011. She's perfect.

And I can't help but be just a little sad. This is where I really struggle with me. I struggle with the singleness, the baby-less/childless part right now. I'm the of the only few left of my girl friends who isn't married/seriously dating and or have kids. This even includes some of my guy friends. I was asked a few weeks ago if I thought I was ready for kids. I don't know if I'm ready but I know I want one. I'm at that point in my life where I'm ready to start a family, get married, have a baby.

I believe everything happens for a reason. People come in and out of your life for a purpose, to make an impact and to even possibly change you. But I really find it hard to believe this is what he has planned. For me to be 29, single and have to WATCH everyone have their dreams come true before them and I'm struggling to get by and sometimes, to get up everyday.

I love my three nephews and my wonderful, little niece and I always, always will. But, I, at some point, want one of my own.

It's my birthday!

My birthday is coming up. Up until 2004, I looked forward to my birthday. In 2004, my birthday got bypassed a little bit. And I'm ok with that.

My grandpa's birthday was September 25 while mine is the 28th. We always celebrated our days together.

In 2004, we didn't.

He was getting ready to have surgery and I was doing newspaper stuff at WSU. Our birthdays came and went. He had surgery in early October. The day he was going to go home, I was going to go visit after work that day.

I never got that chance.

We missed our birthdays. They've never been the same.

But, while I was growing up - when I turned 7 - his age always added up to mine. So, when I was 7, he was 70. When he was 71, I was 8. And so on, and so on.

The coolest was when I turned 18. He turned 81. There is a picture where my mom put the numbers 1 8 on the cake - because it worked for both of us - and Grandpa had turned the cake to where it said I was 81 and he was 18.

I apparently found that hilarious.

This year is going to be a little harder. I turn 29 this year.

He would have been 92.

Again, we would have added up. And it makes me miss him terribly.

I have found a couple of people share his day. The other volleyball coach I coach with, Keli, has the 25th as her day. And little Adley, also has the 25th. Two people I'm glad have that day, so I won't be sad.

Even though, I'm sure I will be.

I wish Grandpa had a cell phone in heaven, because I'd call him on Sunday to wish him a happy 92nd birthday. And how much I miss him and love him so much.

I just might make a chocolate cake for us and put the number candles of 2 9 and take a picture of me with the 92.

But, it won't be the same. It never will be again.

10 years ago

Nearly 10 years ago, the American life changed.
Everyone's life changed in one way or another.

Including my own.

Ten years ago, I was a freshman at Butler County, playing tennis.
I was 18 years old.
My parents were in Hawaii and I was living at home.
I was driving a 93 white Mercury Sable.
I hadn't realized I was in love with Apple.
I did, however, knew what love felt like.
I hadn't, though, found out how much a broken heart sucks.
I was a darkroom guru and loved black and white photography.
I hadn't figured out digital yet.
I also hadn't returned to running yet and played tennis all of the time.
I was 5-foot-2, and still am.
My brother was in the process of building his own home for his family.
My other brother hadn't yet gotten married, he would that next June.

Other random things from 2001:
Top song of 2001: "Hanging by a Moment" by Lifehouse
Group: Destiny's Child
Movie: Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

I have been blessed with a close family, long living grandparents and parents and wonderful friends. I can't even imagine having to try to find love again after losing the love of my life.

High school kids now don't understand what it was like 10 years ago. Ten years ago I didn't hang out with the people I do now. I don't see or talk to people I was with all of the time back then. I have moved 3 times and my love of tv shows have changed and my activeness of photography has significantly decreased.

I hated WSU and loved K-State and tolerated KU.
I now love WSU, love KU and tolerate K-State (only because of my dear friends).

I don't know what it's like to lose a family member in a tragic situation such as those who lost theirs in the Twin Towers or as a hero - doing their job or saving the lives of others on a plane- or by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. But, I know what it's like to lose someone I love. And it hurts. And seven years after losing my dad's best friend and my grandfather, it still hurts. But, right now, I can't grasp the pain these families feel today, 10 years later.

May we never forget those who put their lives on the line and the families who lost their loved ones.