12 September 2017

I'm learning

I have always been better at writing my feelings than speaking them. I get nervous when asking questions or answering on the fly. I tend to think about what I want to say or I spend a shit ton more time thinking about what i should have said after the fact. I spend a lot of time doing that. I think of all the times I should have said something else or not said anything at all or how I could have worded something differently. I make a shit ton of mistakes and don't think I don't see them because I see them better than anyone. I see all of my flaws that no one else sees or if they do see them say nothing of it. I see how I can be difficult because I've never had anyone call me on it before. I tend to do better when I write shit out because I can backtrack without anyone knowing what the fuck I'm doing. If I speak, it's out there and done. No taking it back no rewrite, no editing. It's done and done. Then I have to figure out what the hell I'm going to do next. 
I've done a lot of stupid shit over the past month. Shit I never even thought would or could be an issue. But, it has. I haven't done the smartest things, I've pushed away the one person I don't want to push away. I've made him think if he wants to stay in this relationship or not. 

This situation reminds me of when Chandler was trying to figure out how to propose to Monica on Friends. And shit gets carried away and Chandler feels like he's losing Monica to Richard. 
I know this isn't Friends and our relationship isn't like Monica and Chandler's, but I feel the same way, that I have fucked this up so much I'm making him think if he wants to stay in this relationship. 

My intentions have never been to hurt, which is why a lot of the time I do better when I keep my big mouth shut. If I write out, I tend to do better. I tend to not insert my foot into my mouth quite as much. 
I'm sorry for the pain I have caused. I hope at some point, I hope I can be forgiven for the mistakes I have made. 

29 August 2017

It's been a time

My motives have never been ulterior. My intentions have never been to deceive. I don't make things out to be a big deal when they are and I make a big deal out of things that aren't. I contradict myself more times than I can think of. I try to say the right thing. And I usually don't. I usually end up saying the wrong thing.
Maybe I only make things a big deal because it wasn't me that did it. It's possible. And when I do it, it's no big deal, but I feel that I wasn't trying to deceive or hurt or have an ulterior motive. I guess, I know that it may not mean anything, but looking at it from a different perspective, I can see how it would be shady.
I've never, ever meant to hurt you in the ways that I have.
For having a communication degree, I suck at it. And I wake up everyday and say to myself, I'm going to communicate with Kyle today. I'm going to be great at it! And then I fail on something, usually major, and I have failed, yet again. I spend a good chunk of my time feeling like I'm failing us. I can talk to people for the most part, but for some reason I struggle communicating with Kyle. I don't want him to think I'm an idiot for the shit that comes out of my mouth because a lot of the time, it's stupid. It's random and a good chance it doesn't make sense. I don't think I've given him the chance to try to decipher my gibberish, I just want him to think I'm ok. I want him to know it all, but sometimes I wonder if he wants to know it all. I want to be completely transparent with my past and my present and my future, and I wish I were as brave as him. He has let it all out on the table for me and I'm still here. Yet, I only give him 90% of it and keep the other 10% thinking he will leave. WTF? What the fuck is wrong with me? I have this man, this wonderful man who puts up with my shit, who I make crazy, wanting me to talk to him. And I struggle with that? I'm an idiot.
He's never given me a reason to not trust him or to doubt him. I bring up my own insecurities and throw it at him, expecting him to fix it. Even if he has nothing to do with it and even if it doesn't apply to him. Fuck, I suck. Who can do that? Who can fix shit that doesn't apply to them or they've never done?
He's never put in me a situation that made me doubt him. He's been open and communicative and trustworthy. And up until these past few weeks, I thought I had been doing well too... minus the communication part, but I'm working on it.
But, I obviously am not working on it well enough. I think about him but I don't think about how it will affect him. I don't think of the outcome of it or the after. I have to do better, I want to do better. Fucking this up is the last thing I want to do, but I'm doing a pretty damn good job of fucking it up right now. I guess I just need a little bit of grace. Just a tiny bit for me to get myself together and realize this is the best thing that has ever happened and how I want this to work. I want this to last. I don't want this to end, this has been the best thing that's happened to me. I've never felt more important, safe and comfortable than I have this past while.
I'm the one fucking this up and it's the very last thing I want to do. I want him. I need him. I don't want to lose him. I'm trying, but I'm failing.


As I sit here, I am coming up with things that I like about you. Like is such a small word for how I actually feel. Words like sooo much and a lot come to my mind, but even those don't seem to give my feelings justification. I don't know if it's love. It could be. I thought I have loved someone other than family and friends before, but in the end it wasn't legit. This is hard. I know I don't tell you enough that I do like you sooo much a a whole lot, but for all I know, I do. You have a patience that I've never seen. I'm not the most patient person nor do I come from a patient family, so to have someone so calm, is, well, calming. I don't always understand what you mean or say, but you repeat it or put it in a way I may understand. Your son has to be one of the best parts of your life. He's such a good kid and that is because of you. Because you stay on him, have high expectations and make sure he works hard. I hope, if, we have children, they turn out more like you than me. I love how you throw me the remote and have me pick what we watch, how if I put my arm over you when we lay down you pull me closer, I love waking up next to you. I love how you make me feel when I've spent all day at work and I get to come home and see you. Holy shit, your smile. One of my most favorite things I get to see. I love how you deal with me and my emotional disaster when I break down for stupid reasons and how kind you are. I love the kind of person you are that my family, my parents, want to see you and spend time with you. And the fact that they want to see you, without me, shows a lot about your character.
I want you here because I want to build a life with you. I want us more than I've wanted anything. I've thought I've wanted a life with other people, but with you, it's different. Different in a good way. Like, it's real. There are ups and downs and there are good times and bad and I don't want to do this life things with anyone else. I know, I know, I say that now but what about in a few months... yeah, I say that now. And i'm going to say that in a few months. I can't make you want to be with me, I can't make you stay. But, I hope, I hope, that things get better between us and for you. I want you to be happy.  

30 November 2016


It's the end of November and this is the time where we relearn about the Jimmy V. Foundation for Cancer Research from ESPN. It's his week. As it should be. ESPN has raised more than 150 million dollars for this project that is a continuous fight for more people than I can even think about.
Cancer is one of those things that it has affected someone you know. It's affected people I love. My grandfather at 99 got skin cancer on his forehead. Oh, and when he had his 100th birthday with all 5 of his children, that man was not pleased with the fact he had a scar on his head. My dad's best friend was diagnosed with Stage 4 brain cancer in 2004. He only lived 2 months after his diagnosis.

"We need your help. 
I need your help. 
We need money for research. 
It may not save my life. 
It may save my children's life. 
It may save someone you love. 
And it's very important."

Cancer sucks and I want a cure for it. I will run as many races as I can that support cancer research. I will continue to run those races until I either, A- can't anymore or B- a cure is found.
If you feel so inclined, please donate to the Jimmy V. Foundation. One hundred percent of direct donations go to cancer research. www.jimmyv.org
At the website, you are able to choose to donate to the General Research fund or the Stuart Scott Fund.
Here are 2 speeches from two men who fought cancer until cancer took over. They didn't lose their fights against cancer, they fought until the last second. And now, we fight for them to find a cure for this wicked disease.

Don't give up. Don't ever give up.

10 August 2016

Boston- part 3, sans fiasco

After nearly 24 hours, I made my way to Boston and Laureen picked me up from the airport and I went and saw the crew on High Street. It didn't take long for me to decide it was time for bed. Laureen and I went back to her house and I got to meet her dog, Pitch and in the morning we decided we would go to the beach and let Pitch run around and I'd go for a run. In the morning, it didn't take much for me to be talked out of running. Instead of having toast and peanut butter and coffee for breakfast, Laureen's toaster stopped working, so again, it didn't take much for us to say, "Let's go to breakfast!" So, breakfast it was, then to the beach with Pitch. We then started to rush around and get balloons for Uncle Sonny's party and some snacks for the day. We helped set up and got all the people there without Uncle knowing. We got my uncle, his son and my uncle's girlfriend from Oregon in, my folks and me from Kansas, my auntie from Florida all in without my uncle knowing about his surprise party. On Monday, I went into Boston with Gina and cousin Michael and we had Regina's (!) and roamed around the town. We went to Fanuiel Hall and Quincy Market and shopped. We hung around on Monday night and Tuesday. On Tuesday night we went into Boston and went to a Red Sox game (!), and I hadn't been to a Red Sox game in 12 years, so it was so nice to be there.
We went to Vermont on Wednesday until Saturday. We hung around on Wednesday and then on Thursday we went to the beach and I hung out at a lake for a chunk of the day. Friday we went to Stowe and went zip lining. It was so awesome, and I'd do it again in a second. I'd also skydive, but that's a different game for a different date. We also went to the original Ben and Jerry's and it was truly amazing. It was hot out, but so much fun. We went home on Saturday and as we were just home and getting laundry in the washing machine, and getting dinner ready, there was a big wind storm. The wind knocked patio furniture over and blew the hot tub cover over the fence. After it ended...the power went out. Seriously?! I could have this in Kansas. So, we did what we could and hung out until midnight in the dark. 
On Sunday, we made our way to the Cape to spend the week with Julie and Lori. I got to see the beach on Sunday, and on Monday we went to Marie's house and had lunch and went and saw Auntie Mary's house too. Tuesday we went to the bay and sailed and I sat on the beach and watched the waves. I could sit and watch the waves all day and be happy. While at Julie and Lori's we ate, drank and laughed so hard Gina peed herself. Wednesday, my favorite day! We went to the real ocean and I just sat and watched the waves. 


Coming home was something I wasn't ready to do, even after 2 weeks. He made it easier to come home, but I wish I could have just had him in Boston and we could stay there. To have one of my favorite people with me in my favorite town, it couldn't get better than that. So, someday, I'm bringing him back. And then, I'll be the happiest I think I could ever be. 

15 July 2016

Boston part 2- fiasco


Saturday shows up, and with help from the boy, I get to the airport with enough time to get through security and get in line for my flight to St. Louis. Woo! All is good and I think I'm on my way to Boston. Then, while in St. Louis, Southwest has asked for people to bump. I thought, I could do that, so I went up to check on it and I would get $300 plus my one-way fare to Boston refunded. But, I would be flying out of St. Louis to KC and then to Boston and would not get there until 10:30 p.m. I couldn't do that. 
So, I thought about it some more and talked to my folks and realized there was nothing happening so I decided to go for it. I went back up and talked to another lady and this time I would fly out of St. Louis at 3:45 and get into Boston at 9 p.m. So, I went for it. 
As this was going on, the man next to me had his son in a stroller and turned to me and said thank you, now I can get my entire family home on one flight.  Then I felt better about my plan. The only thing I wish I had asked for was for a food voucher. It was 11 a.m. and I wasn't leaving until 3:45, I was going to need food. But, I didn't ask for food, but should have.
I texted Laureen and told her what was happening, where she went on and filled everyone else in at the funeral that I wasn't coming until later. 
After walking close to 3 miles in the St. Louis airport, taking a small nap and trying to watch Netflix, I finally boarded my plane. I found a window seat where the lady on the aisle and I wondered if there was something wrong with us that no one wanted to sit with us. As we waited for someone to join us, I just soaked up the Boston accents and the talking of Red Sox and Patriots. A lady sat between us on the flight and quickly after take off, I fell asleep and when I woke up, the lady next to me handed me some cheese its that were handed out because she didn't want me to be hungry. I was grateful and we all talked about what we did and what is happening in Kansas. 
I had checked a bag and wondered where it would be and if I would be able to find it or would I have to come back. But, luckily, I had my sticker and was able to get my bag from the lost and found baggage claim quickly. Laureen was on her way to get me and I finally, after nearly 24 hours, I made it to Boston. 

Boston part 1- fiasco

It all started on Tuesday. My dad called me and the first things out of his mouth were, "You're not going to like this, but you need to hear it." My first thought was my uncle died and we were days from having his 80th surprise birthday party.
Nope, not my uncle, but my cousin's father in law. My cousin Gina, who I was going to see and stay with and we were going to go to Vermont and the Cape. This threw a bit of a wrench in the whole situation... but what can I do? I'm halfway across the country and I can do nothing. My tickets are booked and I'm packed. It is what it is and I'll play it by ear. In that neck of the woods, I'm not going to go homeless nor am I going to go hungry. Gina's cousin Laureen on Gina's mom's side called and said she'd pick me up Friday night (this moment currently) and we'd play it all by ear. Great. Sounds good to me. I am to get in at 11:25 pm and I'll just crash at Laureen's because let's be real, we aren't going to be figuring anything out at midnight.
Friday! Travel day! Woo! The boy said he'd take me to the airport (yay!) and take care of my house while I'm away. Flight is at 5:55 p.m. and so I'm there about 4:30. I have to check a bag and so I'm in line and I ask the lady in front of me what's up and she said our flight has been delayed until 6:45. Well, crap. I'll still make my connecting flight in St. Louis to Boston. Then, moments later I get another email saying it's been delayed to 7:20... now, I won't make my connecting flight as it leaves at 7:55. So, I go, talk to the dude at the desk and the easiest thing for me to do is to fly out Saturday morning at 9 am. I get a boarding pass and I call the boy and ask if he can come pick me back up. That was a fun 30 minutes. He said he would have gone to St. Louis to get out of here. I kinda agreed. I was kinda kicking myself for not sticking around and taking the flight to St. Louis. But, after the email I got about an hour later, I was glad I came home. The flight had been delayed until 9:30 tonight. Who knows when I would be getting to Boston.
So, tomorrow morning brings something new and exciting. So, we will see how this goes.

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27 May 2016

School and Rain

There are two big things happening in the ICT currently. The first, it has been raining for days. If it hadn't been for the Wichita/Valley Center Floodway or as it is affectionally called in Wichita, the Big Ditch, we would be flooded. It has been raining for at least 3 days and I'm not sure when it plans to actually stop. But, as irritating and inconvenient as rain is, there is a part of me that knows this rain is saving someone from something terrible. I don't know who needs it or why, but I believe we are getting all of this rain and these storms for a reason.
Maybe Wichita is getting all of this rain to help all of the teachers find a clean slate, although the slate is far from clean. Because in a few weeks the Kansas Supreme Court could quite easily shut down the public schools on July 1 because the governor of Kansas and his legislature have decided to take money from the public school system and the Courts have deemed the funding unconstitutional and if the Legislature can't get their shit together by June 30, July 1 the schools will close. The government will have to come up with about $38 million for this coming school year. Where is this money going to come from since the state didn't make it's budget this year? The governor has already taken money from KPERS, KDOT, and anything else he can get his grubby hands on. It scares the shit out of me of what can come. Teachers voted on Monday about whether we should extend the school day by 30 minutes and shorten the school year OR because there is still $5 million to be cut the next thing is librarians, custodial staff and paras. But, when we voted we were only voting on the calendar. If it passed then that would about take care of the $5 million needed. If it didn't pass, then the $5 million would fall onto the custodial staff, paras and librarians. How can we as teachers say that those people don't matter, because that is complete and utter bullshit. Those people make our schools run. If we don't have them we don't have a functioning school. We don't have classes that run smoothly. We don't have people to take small groups and help students learn away from their peers. We don't have people who can take those small groups and help them understand something they don't. We won't have students who know how to find a book in the library. We don't have students who learn to love to read or can find something they love and learn about it. We don't have people to clean up the vomit when a student is sent to school sick and can't make it to a trashcan. We don't have people to move desks, tables, take care of breakfast and lunch set up and clean up. But, according to the Board of Education, they don't matter. And if you ask any teacher, that is the biggest load of crock anyone has ever heard.
But, it's raining. And things change with the rain. Slates get clean, streets flood, minds clear. But I don't think anyone's mind or slates will clear with this downpour. Luckily, our staff will be with us for another year...but with the luck of our governor, it will get worse- much worse- before it will get better.

19 March 2016

Friends in Kandiana

Spring Break is nearly over. Spring Break being nearly over isn't what is killing me; it's the fact I spent 3 days in Indiana with Lacey and Caroline that kills me. Lacey and I planned on going up on Monday and coming home today, Thursday. I made it on Monday, however, Lacey spent Sunday night barfing in my hall bathroom. So, I didn't sleep Sunday night, and I prepared to travel to Indiana alone. Lacey changed her flight plans and moved her flight to Tuesday morning at the same time. As much as I would have loved having a travel buddy, I relished in the thought I would get 24 hours with just Caroline and her babies and me. I was prepared to fight with the rental car people since the car was under Lacey's name and not mine. However, it wasn't as tough as I thought it would be and the guy was understanding about my situation and did charge me to be the driver, but considering I was the only one there, he used the "extra driver" charge and upgraded my car. He made a difficult situation better.
After not sleeping through the night, I slept through both flights, which was extremely handy. After my 2 hour nap from Dallas to Indy, I was ready to see Caroline and these babies. I was able to snuggle with Kenton and Ryden and Griffin before we went to get Adley from school. We missed Lacey, but I did love my extra 24 hours with just the Foxes. I went to get Lacey on Tuesday morning, after my father was oh-so-kind to pick her up at 5:30 a.m. a day later so she could get to the airport. I don't think I have ever felt so happy to have my two best friends in one place together; even if it was for only a few days. David was wonderful to take care of the boys while we took Griffin and went to get our toes done and then go to dinner. We just relished in the time we got to spend together and I know Lacey loved the time she got to just play with the boys and not have to chase after her own children.

Lacey and I had plans of sending Dave and Caroline out for just a break while we hung with the babies, we planned on helping with dinner and cooking, we planned on helping. We ended up sitting on her couch, staring at her and Griff and learning about Star Wars from the other boys. We felt a bit on the guilty side that we didn't do more to help make their life a little easier, but it was all we could do to just love on those boys and stare at our best friend who lives two airplane rides and a drive away.
We got to go see the new house they are buying and I was taken on a couple of tours by the boys. Because their car only holds six, I took the rental and sent Lacey with Caroline so she could have some one on one time. We had lunch at a pizza joint they regularly eat at. It wasn't home, but it was close. The guys that work there had New England accents, which sent me back east. After our pizza, Kenton and I went up for a cannoli and I split it between Kenton, Ryden and myself. I wouldn't have had it any other way.
It wasn't until about 11 p.m. on Wednesday night when Caroline put Griffin to bed when we knew it was time to go. The last time we left Caroline in Kansas City, it was Lacey who cried and got us all worked up. This time, it was my turn. We sat there, I knew we needed to go and I just couldn't keep it together. I just teared up and hugged Caroline for as long as I could. The next morning, we got them donuts, a card and some peanut M&M's. It was then Lacey broke down. We love them, we miss them, and we know it's not just a place they'll be for a bit, but for a good long time.
Saying goodbye never gets easier.
And even after I got home, it still is hard.