The magic words

The words every daughter wants to her from her dad:
I'm proud of you.
I love you.

I can hear him say them. And I cry every time.
Every time.

It could be me or it could not be me...

Yeah, what do you do when you fall for your best friend? And You're 99% sure he doesn't feel the same way? What do you do? How do you get over that? I mean, he's your best friend for a reason. You're together all of the time, you take care of each other. You give each other shit, you can talk about anything. And you do. You make light of something which shouldn't be and get away with it. Because they are your best friend. You don't worry about who picks up the tab because it'll even out.. eventually. You take care of each other. You're both single and EVERYONE wants you to get together, including you.
Again, Eli Young Band to the rescue. This one is off the EYB album called Eli Young Band. (clever, huh?)



I Still Think it's Me

In one moment you gave it up
You decided that this wasn't love after all
We showed the world we gave it a try
It didn't work and God knows why
And now you're off to find someone new
Wonderin' if there's still someone for you

And I still think it's me
I still think it's me
I still believe one day you will see
We can't fight it or even deny it
I need every breath you breathe
I still think its me

You always said you'd end up alone
Never find a man of your own that's not true
High and low you searched everywhere
But along it's been right there
In front of you for all this time
Was the man you'd always wanted to find

And I still think it's me
I still think it's me
I still believe one day you will see
That we can't fight it or even deny it
I need every breath you breathe
I still think it's me
I still think it's me......

**solo**

And I still think it's me
I still think it's me
I still believe one day you will see
That we can't fight it or even deny it
I need every breath you breathe
I still think its me

I still think it's me
Ohhhhh yeah....I still think it's me
Ohhhhh yeah.....I still think it's me


Everyone says to marry your best friend. I know that. But you can't go from being best friends to married. You have to take a chance of making it work. How do I do that? I have to some point bring it up and tell him what I think. That's the scary part. I've already been rejected once recently, I don't know how I can do it again. If I can do it again. I'm gonna have to but I don't know how.


I'm out.

Wicked, wicked, wicked

This was my show. Or well, it was supposed to be. We were supposed to go see this together. Not you and her. I don't get it. We were going to go see it on Broadway, yet when it comes here you think we wouldn't? That makes sense. I don't understand. I'm jealous you went. I'm mad you went without me.




I'm out.

Believe.

I believe.
I believe in karma. I believe in fate.
I believe everything happens for a reason, whether I like that or not.
I believe people are brought into your life to help you. Whether you like that or not either.
I believe good things happen to good people. I also believe bad things happen to good people.
I believe everyone has a soul mate and sometimes they aren't meant to be together.
I believe love is hard but it's worth it.
I believe and know it hurts when it doesn't work.
I believe alcohol is a good friend in those times.
I believe friends are even better.
I believe in alone time.
But I also believe in not alone time.
I believe I'm tired of being alone and this.
I believe I have too many guy friends. And I'm just one of the guys- I gotta stop this.
I believe I have 2 places where I'm in my element. On the road running and on a tennis court.
And I'm not on those places enough.
I believe my boy- friends will never see me as girlfriend material. That has to be changed. Somehow.

I believe in a lot and sometimes not enough.

I'm out.

It's about the cake.

Its one of those points where I have so much to do and I feel as though nothing can get accomplished. Except for tonight. I went to class, as normal, worked on my practice teacher work sample, went to work on it some more at Panera (which the west one has HORRIBLE power outlets. My Apple outlet wouldn't stay. It was frustrating. So, I then went to the dentist to fill in a filling of which fell out. Awesome. 2 hours later, I finally went home for a nap. I then cooked dinner and watched some baseball. I made some brownies, which were awful (that's a rarity for me) and after I came home from Starbucks and working on my TWS some more, I made a cake. Apparently I'm in a baking mood. The cake is awesome as I always make them and my TWS is complete. All I need is a shower and bed. I feel as though a load has been lifted. I have a budget due on Monday after our Kansas City race and I have to teach my nutrition lesson . But other than that, my calendar looks pretty clear. It won't stay that way, I'm sure. But for the first time all day, I'm feeling pretty good about life right now.
I did one thing I wasn't supposed to do Saturday night. I was out and about and I went by his house. I stopped even. I rang the bell. I waited. He didn't answer. I don't know if he wasn't home or didn't want to answer. But, I tried. And with that trial, although the thought has come up to go again, I refuse to let that part of my brain take over. I don't need him. I don't hardly get what I want and I've survived so far. I have wonderful guys in my life, who I am not dating, but they are better to me than he has been. And, I'll take that for all it is worth. I have a family that will do anything to take care of me. To take care of me. It's the phone calls that are random just to check in make my family amazing. They make me absolutely crazy but they are amazing at the same time. And I'll take that any time.
I'm trying to just focus on this race this weekend and this semester. One week at a time and one project at a time. I wish I had more time, but I don't. And for now, that's ok. It'll be over soon and then I'll join the real grown up world, once again. And I'm ready for that.

I'm out.

My Boys

I know I'm hard headed. I'm well aware of it in fact. But this- this has gone on longer than it's supposed to. I laid my heart out there. I gave it to him. And he did nothing with it. He didn't even hand it back broken. He just took it. Took it. Who does that? Who does things like that? Who takes someone's heart and then lets it sit there. No response, no letter, no returning it completely broken or shredded. Nothing. Oh, I know who. Him. That guy. The one that lives down the road. The one who stole my heart when I was 16. The one who was the one I was supposed to marry. The guy of my dreams. He lives down the street and I haven't seen him for a year and a half. I send a letter, get a response a month later. I send a response back and over 30 days later, I have received nothing. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I put myself through this pain, this heartbreak, this mess? Oh yeah, because I'm hard headed. Because I'm stubborn. Because I believe to never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about. Because I fell in love years back. Because I'm afraid I'll never find anything good again or ever. Because I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. Because I don't want to be the cat lady.
I got to forget him a week ago. A week ago my friends and I went out for my birthday. Because I had my boys with me who cared about me, who love me, who- I found out will do just about anything to take care of me. And I'm still thinking about this asshole. Awesome. But the one I really want (or think I do)- of course, doesn't see me that way. And I'm ok with that. Although I'd love more, I just need him in my life. And I know I have him. And my other 2. They also love me. They also make sure I'm fine, I'm taken care of. Those 3 guys are going to make great boyfriends and husbands one day. I swear they will. They are wonderful, caring, amazing, they know how to take care of women. They're moms and dads taught them right. And that is going to hook some woman one day. It already hooked me. Why do you think I love them?
Yet- I tend to fall back on the one who doesn't care. The one who can't figure out what he wants and if he wants me or not. And with no response at this time- there is nothing left but to move on. I left it all out there. I did what I could do. I made it clear what I wanted and he obviously doesn't want me. And now it's my job to move on. But when guys aren't busting your door down to take you out or even have any that are somewhat interested in you- then it makes it a little more difficult to move on. Although I am and will continue to try to move on from this guy.
To the guy who stole my heart 11 years ago- It's apparent you don't care. So, therefore, I don't care.

I'm out.

In the car and driving, except I'm really not in the car nor driving

With some help of my friend Kevin, whom I went to see in Arkansas a few months back, I found this song. I give him full credit because he made me a mix-tape so to speak. It's more of a CD and I know it took forever for him to put together. Because of him, I found the Eli Young Band. My friend Brian, went to the EYB concert on August 7, the day I flew home from Boston. And texted me when they played my song. This has quickly become one of my favorites and I find a new meaning in it all the time. There are parts that remind me of Kevin, especially the, "Well hello" part. :) And the "Get in the car and drive" part. Considering I drove 4.5 hours to see him. But, anyway.... this song.

Get in the Car and Drive
The Eli Young Band

In this picture you're right beside me
Arms around my neck and eyes like you'll never leave
A love lover, a sweet thing
I know we agreed, but I think I'll call you anyway.

Well hello, It's just me
A little distance and I lost something in between
I've waited forever
For this to get better.

She said how can I believe in something I can't see or feel with my fingers?
Yeah how can I believe
And I said...

Anytime you wanna be my love
That's a reason to do what you're thinkin of
Anytime you wanna come on over
Stop asking, get in the car and drive
Stop asking, get in the car and drive

Well hold on take it slowly
Breathing deep and meaning every word just for you
only
Keep this inside you no matter what you do
These are the simple things in loving, yeah
The simple things in loving, yeah.

She said How can I believe in something
When you're never here and I'm not sure if I need this?
How can I believe?
And I said...

Anytime you wanna be my love
That's a reason to do what you're thinkin of
Anytime you wanna come on over
Stop asking, get in the car and drive
Stop asking, get in the car and drive


She said How can I believe in something
I can't see or feel with my fingers?
Yeah how can I believe?
And I said...

Anytime you wanna be my love
That's a reason to do what you're thinkin of
Anytime you wanna come on over
Stop asking, get in the car and drive
Stop asking, get in the car and drive

Stop asking, get in the car and drive
Get in the car and drive.



A favorite. I hope this helps on why I am the way I am right now. I've got a lot in my head right now and there are times I just need to get in the car and drive. But sometimes I don't have a place to go or want a place to go. I have a love/hate relationship with my drives to KC. I love them because I get to think. I hate them for the very same reason. I love the drive and how it can go so quickly because I'm just thinking. But there are times when I don't want to think about anything and I'm in a car for 3 hours and I don't have anything else to do but think. This song helps. A lot.

I'm out.