I walked into 2012 with high hopes. It's halfway through January and I don't feel much better than I did at the end of 2011. It's tough out here, kids. It's tough. I struggle everyday and a lot of nights I break into tears. Journey girl is the only one who really sees me how I am. When I cry, when I hurt, when I'm so sad I'm get mad and hit or kick things. And I'm not upset with anyone, really, just myself. I am just so tired of being alone, so tired of going to bed alone, not having anyone to talk to when I get home from work. No one to tell about my day, to share my trials and celebrations with.
I'm so grateful for Lacey and Caroline and Kelsey and Andrea. They are three who are all married, with families but yet, find time to check up on me. To take care of me. To love me. And I need it. There are times I need it so bad, and sometimes more than I even think I do. I so want to join their club of being married and having kids. I want it. I don't know when I will get it though.
I look for the connection Joel and I had when I was 16. It was a connection I have never had since. We were so alike, it was frightening. We thought alike, we had the same jokes, laughed at the same things. It was one in a million. We were supposed to be together.
Then we grew up.
And we grew apart.
But, I want that again.
But not with him.
I'm ready to find him.
Someday.
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