soxandshox

It's still only January?!?

2012-01-18T21:28:00.002-06:00

I walked into 2012 with high hopes. It's halfway through January and I don't feel much better than I did at the end of 2011. It's tough out here, kids. It's tough. I struggle everyday and a lot of nights I break into tears. Journey girl is the only one who really sees me how I am. When I cry, when I hurt, when I'm so sad I'm get mad and hit or kick things. And I'm not upset with anyone, really, just myself. I am just so tired of being alone, so tired of going to bed alone, not having anyone to talk to when I get home from work. No one to tell about my day, to share my trials and celebrations with.
I'm so grateful for Lacey and Caroline and Kelsey and Andrea. They are three who are all married, with families but yet, find time to check up on me. To take care of me. To love me. And I need it. There are times I need it so bad, and sometimes more than I even think I do. I so want to join their club of being married and having kids. I want it. I don't know when I will get it though.
I look for the connection Joel and I had when I was 16. It was a connection I have never had since. We were so alike, it was frightening. We thought alike, we had the same jokes, laughed at the same things. It was one in a million. We were supposed to be together.
Then we grew up.
And we grew apart.
But, I want that again.
But not with him.
I'm ready to find him.

Someday.

2011 in a nutshell

2012-01-11T22:46:00.004-06:00

I'm a bit late on this but my tops of 2011 are finally here.
I'm not going to lie either, 2011 was a tough year. Physically, mentally, emotionally and financially.

Not a lot of huge things happened in 2011 but parts of it was rough.

1. My grandmother passed away. She was 98 years old and a truly wonderful woman. She was this little thing who had so much spunk and attitude. As she got older that spunk and attitude faded. I saw it fade considerably after my 101 year old grandfather passed away in 2007. And honestly, I am surprised she lived so long after he passed. They were married just shy of 74 years and after spending that much time together, I would think it would be difficult to continue. But, she carried on. And I am grateful for it. As we both got older it became my duty to either take her to or from Boston every year or so, so she could visit. I loved it. It was one of my favorite things. I will forever cherish those times I had with her.

2. One of my college professors passed away in November. I hadn't been in journalism in almost five years but because of Les Anderson I can edit the hell out of stuff. I catch almost everything in emails, newsletters and Facebook status' (and whether I am supposed to put an "s" after the ' is still beyond me. I should probably check the Stylebook). My coworkers give me things to proof constantly. And I thank Les. He took his time for everyone and made every one of his students feel as though they are the most important person at the time of him talking to them. He helped me find my first job in journalism as a sports writer. I wouldn't have ever gotten there had it not been for him.

3. Margaret Rose. The same year we lose Antoinette Grace, we gain Margaret Rose. My first niece and she's perfect. She's so wonderful to have around and the year Grandpa Bianco died we got Michael Cooper. And we found out his middle name on my Grandpa Cooper's birthday. His middle name: Cooper. :) I can't wait to watch Maggie grow up with two older brothers. I can't wait to share my American Girl books with her and help her be a tomboy but girly at the same time.

4. I moved from my house after 5 years. Ok, nearly five years. I spent so much time there, it was time for a change. I needed something new and at the VERY end of 2011, I packed boxes and bags and moved stuff about 3 miles away. And I believe it was one of the best moves. Granted I don't know anyone so I'm alone a lot, I feel better about myself. A new year, a new place. It's a good start, right? I'd like to think so. By the end of the year, I will find out if it was a good move. I've got 12 months to find out.

5. More babies. Lacey and Caroline are both expecting again. And I am so excited for them! Caroline is having a boy for sure and I'm pretty sure Lacey is too. I just have that feeling- or well, Brian's grandmother has that feeling. And those feelings are pretty dang accurate.

6. Andrea ran her first 10k in June. She wanted to start running and we hooked up and started running. I believe Jon had a hand in this. It had been so long since we had seen or spoken to each other, we needed this time to get back and know each other and watch each other grow up again. We both needed and need it.

2011 wasn't all that bad, but it was tough. I am glad to see it go and hope 2012 is better.

A better year to come?

2011-12-12T07:06:00.003-06:00

Here is hoping 2012 is a better year.

I'm ready for 2011 to come to a close and a new beginning to happen.

To help myself in this project, after just short of five years at my current address, I am changing it. And I'm excited.

I think.

This is a tough move for me to make. I spent my late twenties at this house. I learned so many stories about the people who lived in this house and I made my own memories.

I have locked myself out of my house not once, not twice but at LEAST three times. A couple of those times I happened to have an old gift card in my wallet to where I used to break into my own house. I then later proceeded to break my key in my door, yeah my dad loved that one. My neighbors have been helpful since I gave them a key, I have been able to get back into my house much easier. Luckily- I was never locked out when they weren't home nor did I need a key to his house to retrieve a key. Bonus.

I had an ugly sweater party at Christmas one year. I kicked the last group out at 3 a.m. and they ended up bothering my neighbors. Oops. Multiple birthday parties were celebrated here. Some outside, some inside, none dull. I found a 5k route in the neighborhood. I'm biking distance from Dillon's, QuikTrip, and the liquor store. Well, three liquor stores for that matter. I have friends in this area.

I also have one I need to not ever see and unfortunately, I have seen him recently. Not by choice but driving. I haven't done anything different on my routes it has just happened. And considering I haven't seen him much in the five years I've been here and I'm seeing him more now, it's a good sign it's time to move.

I hate moving. I hate packing more than I hate moving. I realize I have a lot of shit. But I have to say, most of it is put away or boxed up. I hope I can keep this up. I like being neat and clean, but I'm not OCD about it. this is my chance to toss things I don't need or want or use anymore. And it's a hard to let part of my past go. Especially my photography side. I haven't used any of my darkroom stuff since I moved here...before I moved here actually. I haven't used it since I moved from the duplex the first time. And I'm ok with letting it go. It was a great time in my life, but I'm over it. I'm a different person now and I'm good with that.

I just need to get rid of my past.

this is a good move for me. It really is, but I can't help but be sad I'm leaving here. Since I moved out from my parents' house when I was 20, this is the longest I have lived at a place without moving. I hate this, I hate moving. And I hate asking people for help to move. I have people who have been so helpful in offering their help or their trucks. I just feel like an inconvenience with it all. Which I'm sure I am, but who isn't at times, right?

I'm just ready to be in new place, new year. Something good has to come out of this, right? I need a good year. I need some good luck. I hope 2012 is holding it.

Dammit, Les!

2011-11-13T22:45:00.004-06:00

A New York minute.

Things can change in a second.

It was the last thing I expected.

I was on my way to bed because I had to work in the morning and we all know I'm not a morning person.

After a text message, I knew it was going to be a long night. Sleep was no longer a priority.

It was about our mentor, editing guru, professor, friend, go-to-with-all-questions-journalism, Les Anderson.

Teresa sent me a message saying Les Anderson died of a heart attack.

I couldn't even respond.

I had to call her and get all of information, just as Les would tell us to do.

I then went online. I went to Facebook, Twitter. Trying to find out as much information as I could. I felt like I was back in the journalism world, trying to get my facts straight.

*************

It was 2003 and I had just transferred to Wichita State after playing tennis for two years at Butler County. I was nervous about my first time at Wichita State especially in the Elliott School of Communication. I was scared, actually. But, my classes with Les made them much more bearable.

I was a photographer trying to figure out how to get my degree. I had to take a reporting class and we were able to choose what we wanted to cover. I snagged sports. I didn't know anything about about writing, but I knew I loved sports. It didn't matter to Les. He taught us to never have a "first annual" (if it hasn't happened, it can't be a first annual). I still fight with coworkers about this, knowing I am in the right. I learned to never use "very" unless you are speaking about a woman who is pregnant. Reporting 1 and 2 were difficult for me. I didn't want to be a writer. Les knew what I was passionate about. Photography. WSU didn't have a photojournalism class, so Les took me on and became my mentor. I took an independent study with him my last semester to help me get my portfolio in order.

I was the first one to have an electronic portfolio. And I was nervous as hell about it.

Near the end of the semester, I walked down to The Sunflower and there was a message for me from Les. He needed to see me as soon as possible. I was nervous. I didn't know what he needed but if he needed to see me, it was important. I ran up to his office, where my editor was talking to him. I knocked on the door and he looked at me with a serious look on his face.

Courtney and I had just put together a spread of photos of the year and I had taken a photo of the plane crash memorial and we placed it in the paper.

Les had seen the photo.

I asked what was up and Les grabbed the issue of The Sunflower and pointed to the photo. He looked directly at me and asked, "Why isn't this photo in your portfolio?"
I answered with a shameful, "I don't know."
"Put it in there. You have something no one else has. No one else has that memorial picture."
"Ok. I will put it in. Thanks, Les."
"You bet."

This was the kind of professor who never gave up on his students. He would edit our work, talk to us about our lives and help us find jobs. He took extra time to edit our portfolios, go over stories or help us find the right words. He pushed us to be better. He pushed to go outside of our comfort zone. He pushed us to look for the deeper story. He would edit and re-edit our stories countless times until it was right.

He trusted a bunch of college kids to run a paper, go to class and change lives. Little did he know he changed all of OUR lives.

It was Les who helped me get my first sports writing job. He believed I was a better writer than I gave myself credit for. But he also believed in my photography work. Also during my last semester, he asked Wichita Eagle photo-guru Travis Heying to show me the ropes and check out my work. It started a friendship that has lasted over six years.

I left the journalism world in 2007 to go into teaching. A calling I should have listened to in 2005, but that is neither here nor there. Being in the education department, I rarely made it to Elliott School of Communication. There were days I would go for a run between classes, just as I had done when I was enrolled at ESC, I would think about my days and nights at The Sunflower where we would hang out and watch trailers for Napoleon Dynomite and then go to IHOP for breakfast at 2 a.m. after the paper was sent.

There are times when I miss all of it.

I don't write stories anymore. I write in my blog every so often. The grammar isn't what it should be. I don't take photos much either, but there are days when I do and I realize how much I miss it. I sometimes think Les would be upset I left journalism, but learned he wouldn't be. He would understand and remind me not to forget where I started.
He believed in me more than I believed in myself. He would know teaching is where I should be.

And teaching is where I need to be.

I always thought, "If I'm half the physical education teacher my father was, I'll consider myself lucky." That thought is still there but, yesterday another thought was added.
If I can make an impact on a student the way Les Anderson impacted my life, I'll consider myself pretty darn lucky.

It's been a long time since I've seen or spoken to Les. I'll never forget how important he made me feel when I had a question for him. While I was talking to him, he would make you feel as though you were the most important person in the world. It was rare if you didn't learn something from Les during the day. He was always teaching and we were always learning.

I remember when he covered for Dan Close's editing for print class. I had a large school load my last semester and I think I had Les for over half of those classes. He said something about me being sick of seeing him. I told him I figured he has to be sick of seeing me.

He never made me feel like a failure, although I had many times where I felt as though I had. He cared so much about all of us. I believe he cared so much about us and he was cared for in the same reflection.

Les never wanted to be in the spotlight. It wasn't his thing. He would always put his students in front of him. He made us feel worthy of the front page. But Les deserved it more times than not. And sadly, the ending of his life gave him the front page. He had to have it. It wouldn't have been right had he not taken the front page of the Wichita Eagle.

He was honored last month and I am so glad he was and that he was able to be there. I'm sad I wasn't able to be. He finally got to be honored and know how much he meant to people.

Sunday night, he was honored at the ESC with a candlelight vigil. I was going to go, but I couldn't bring myself to go. I felt I have been out of the journalism world too long to come back. I should have realized Les would have wanted me there.

When I saw him when I graduated in 2005, I thanked him for helping me. I hope he knew I was thanking him for everything he had ever done. I was thanking him for the impact he had made and was still going to make on how wrote, took photos and then changed careers. I hope he knew he made an impact, a positive one at that, on my life.

I hope he knew. God, I hope he knew.

Margaret Rose

2011-10-02T20:10:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I was blessed with my very first niece. She came in at 6 pounds, 3 ounces, 19 inches long and at 156 am on October 01, 2011. She's perfect.

And I can't help but be just a little sad. This is where I really struggle with me. I struggle with the singleness, the baby-less/childless part right now. I'm the of the only few left of my girl friends who isn't married/seriously dating and or have kids. This even includes some of my guy friends. I was asked a few weeks ago if I thought I was ready for kids. I don't know if I'm ready but I know I want one. I'm at that point in my life where I'm ready to start a family, get married, have a baby.

I believe everything happens for a reason. People come in and out of your life for a purpose, to make an impact and to even possibly change you. But I really find it hard to believe this is what he has planned. For me to be 29, single and have to WATCH everyone have their dreams come true before them and I'm struggling to get by and sometimes, to get up everyday.

I love my three nephews and my wonderful, little niece and I always, always will. But, I, at some point, want one of my own.

It's my birthday!

2011-09-19T19:56:00.003-05:00

My birthday is coming up. Up until 2004, I looked forward to my birthday. In 2004, my birthday got bypassed a little bit. And I'm ok with that.

My grandpa's birthday was September 25 while mine is the 28th. We always celebrated our days together.

In 2004, we didn't.

He was getting ready to have surgery and I was doing newspaper stuff at WSU. Our birthdays came and went. He had surgery in early October. The day he was going to go home, I was going to go visit after work that day.

I never got that chance.

We missed our birthdays. They've never been the same.

But, while I was growing up - when I turned 7 - his age always added up to mine. So, when I was 7, he was 70. When he was 71, I was 8. And so on, and so on.

The coolest was when I turned 18. He turned 81. There is a picture where my mom put the numbers 1 8 on the cake - because it worked for both of us - and Grandpa had turned the cake to where it said I was 81 and he was 18.

I apparently found that hilarious.

This year is going to be a little harder. I turn 29 this year.

He would have been 92.

Again, we would have added up. And it makes me miss him terribly.

I have found a couple of people share his day. The other volleyball coach I coach with, Keli, has the 25th as her day. And little Adley, also has the 25th. Two people I'm glad have that day, so I won't be sad.

Even though, I'm sure I will be.

I wish Grandpa had a cell phone in heaven, because I'd call him on Sunday to wish him a happy 92nd birthday. And how much I miss him and love him so much.

I just might make a chocolate cake for us and put the number candles of 2 9 and take a picture of me with the 92.

But, it won't be the same. It never will be again.

10 years ago

2011-09-05T22:56:00.006-05:00

Nearly 10 years ago, the American life changed.
Everyone's life changed in one way or another.

Including my own.

Ten years ago, I was a freshman at Butler County, playing tennis.
I was 18 years old.
My parents were in Hawaii and I was living at home.
I was driving a 93 white Mercury Sable.
I hadn't realized I was in love with Apple.
I did, however, knew what love felt like.
I hadn't, though, found out how much a broken heart sucks.
I was a darkroom guru and loved black and white photography.
I hadn't figured out digital yet.
I also hadn't returned to running yet and played tennis all of the time.
I was 5-foot-2, and still am.
My brother was in the process of building his own home for his family.
My other brother hadn't yet gotten married, he would that next June.

Other random things from 2001:
Top song of 2001: "Hanging by a Moment" by Lifehouse
Group: Destiny's Child
Movie: Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

I have been blessed with a close family, long living grandparents and parents and wonderful friends. I can't even imagine having to try to find love again after losing the love of my life.

High school kids now don't understand what it was like 10 years ago. Ten years ago I didn't hang out with the people I do now. I don't see or talk to people I was with all of the time back then. I have moved 3 times and my love of tv shows have changed and my activeness of photography has significantly decreased.

I hated WSU and loved K-State and tolerated KU.
I now love WSU, love KU and tolerate K-State (only because of my dear friends).

I don't know what it's like to lose a family member in a tragic situation such as those who lost theirs in the Twin Towers or as a hero - doing their job or saving the lives of others on a plane- or by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. But, I know what it's like to lose someone I love. And it hurts. And seven years after losing my dad's best friend and my grandfather, it still hurts. But, right now, I can't grasp the pain these families feel today, 10 years later.

May we never forget those who put their lives on the line and the families who lost their loved ones.

A story inspired by another story

2011-08-18T23:16:00.002-05:00

My grandmother was a tough woman.

She had to be.

She wouldn't have survived had she not been.

I mean, she raised my father and his brothers and sisters. That's enough to make anyone crazy.

She was an amazing woman. And I miss her greatly.

Everyday.

She got married during the Depression. She sewed and helped to make a living. But it was my grandfather who went out everyday to find odd and end jobs to bring home money for the growing family.

She sewed her five children clothes. She cooked. She cooked from scratch, mind you. She cleaned, helped with homework, cleaned messes, helped my grandfather learn English, worked in the garden, wiped noses, changed diapers, hugged her children, and one by one, let them leave the nest. She watched her oldest daughter move to Florida, her youngest to Oregon and my father to Kansas. Only two were close by, but she had Carmen. Her love for just shy of 74 years.

She didn't get paid for the hard work she did. She scraped and saved, made the best with what she had and put her children first. She taught them to read, gave them things and let them excel in their talents. She never discouraged, never said bad words and always put anisette in her tea.

It's been almost 4 months since I was in Boston to say goodbye. I still can't believe it. My father and his siblings recently went out there to clean out their parents' house. My father brought home a few things for us and for himself. He got the mirror he wanted. He also got his father's dresser. And I think that was the one thing he truly wanted. A piece of his father. I got some jewelry I so desired. A piece of my grandmother.

I have a hat from my grandfather Cooper. Jewelry from my Nana Bianco. And a voicemail from Grandpa Bianco. A voicemail from when he turned 100. I wrote an article about him in my newspaper and sent him a copy. That was 2006. He passed a year later. Grandpa Cooper went in for surgery for his back. I was going to go up to Newton when he got home. He didn't make it home. That was 2004, six weeks after my father's best friend died of a 2 month battle with cancer.

Both of my grandfather's took care of my grandmothers. They fixed things, got up on chairs to get things down that were too high, held her hand when going on walks. They made sure she was okay, and held her when she cried. Both of my nana's would make sure their husband's ate things they liked and helped when they were needed. And didn't help other times. They baked cakes for their birthdays and smiled when they were sad.

They each let the other be themselves. They helped the other up the stairs when the stairs got too hard. They stayed by the other's side as long as they needed. They were by each other's side for more years than I can imagine.

Between both sets of grandparents, there was nearly 134 years of marriage between both sets. The Bianco's were thisclose to 74 years. Grandpa left a week before his 74th anniversary. And the Cooper's were 60 years. They celebrated 60 years in May and Grandpa was gone in October.

My parents have been married for 42 years and my father spoils my mom like crazy. Just the way he should.

My grandmother Bianco didn't have a "real" job outside the home but she kept that house alive and well. She kept her children out of trouble (or tried to), washed clothes, knitted and found time to see her girlfriends.

She had a long, wonderful, tough life. I sure hope my life can be as fulfilling as hers was.

My writing about her and the rest of my grandparents don't do them justice. They are all too amazing for my words.

If their goal was to set an example of how to live life, mission accomplished.

A toast to a few good friends

2011-06-19T17:08:00.005-05:00

It was them.
I would have never expected it from them. Any of them.
Brent, Alex, Wessley, Gert and B.

Two days before I left for Boston for my grandmother's funeral, I booked my flight and then I went out with the guys. I needed to laugh, I needed to feel safe and loved for an evening.

They did all of those things.

I had to post on Facebook of how much they mean to me while we were out.

Laura Bianco
Night out with my boys. They are good drinking friends when I need it. And even when I don't.
April 22 at 11:00pm via iPhone · Like ·

Brian Hollingsworth
Damn right we're good drinking friends!
April 22 at 11:26pm · Like

Laura Bianco
I wouldn't have this any other way!
April 22 at 11:29pm · Like

They hugged me, loved me, let me cry a little bit and took care of me.

I left two days later for one of the hardest two days I have ever experienced.

As I was there, I received texts from them, telling me they love me, they are there for me. That I'll be ok. I even stole B's hat for the trip. My comfort item stayed with me the whole trip. I needed to feel love from home.

I came home. A couple of weeks after I came home, I was invited on a Party Bus. With who else? The guys.
I got there and had to get them together and toast to them. They were with me when I booked my flight to Boston, my last night out before I left. They were with me when I went out for the first time since I came home from Boston.

I wouldn't have had this any other way.

They took care of me then and they still tend to take care of me now.

A toast. To a few of my good friends. A group of guys I hope to never replace.

A true good-bye

2011-05-03T21:21:00.005-05:00

When you lose someone,
the first thing that goes through your head,
is if you run fast enough,
you just might catch up.
But it don't work like that.

I truly believe, deep down in my heart, I have a couple of the best friends in the entire world. A couple of girls, who I have grown to know and love dearly within 10 years, showed and proved to me how important I am to them. Especially in this time of need.

I came home from Boston last week from my grandmother's funeral. They knew I was there. And they kept telling me how much I'm loved and they are there for me. Something I needed terribly.

But before I came home, they told me they were taking me to a spa for a massage to help me relax from a hard ordeal. Something I didn't ask for. They were going to send flowers but it said please omit flowers. They didn't want to donate to something they didn't know much about, so they pampered me. This was my flowers.

Well the hardest part,
Yeah it hurts so bad,
is when she spreads her wings,
but it'd be a selfish thing,
to try and hold her back,
but it don't work like that.

The funeral was hard- of course. But not a lot of crying happened. I thought it was ok because I was ok. I was wrong. It never really sunk in until today. I subbed kindergarten today. My normal kindergarten class. Jennifer's boyfriend Peter had just lost his grandma and they are going to the funeral tomorrow. And so I took their writing time and decided we were going to make sympathy cards for them. To tell him how much they are loved and how sorry they are.

I also wanted to do it to help me grieve.

As I was telling the kids how important Peter's grandmother was to him and to Jen, I told them how much my grandma meant to me. And I just lost my grandma. I had to go to Boston and say good-bye to her. And I didn't get to see her a lot because she and my grandpa were always so far away.
And her being gone makes me sad.
And I miss her.
I miss her a lot.
And I started crying in front of my little guys. But I couldn't help it. The wound is still so raw and I'm still so sad. And I still miss her.

I'm never going to get to cook with her again. I'll never get to take her back to Boston or home to Wichita again. I'll never again hear, "Oh, Hi Laura. How are you?"

I didn't have to have a conversation with her, I could just sit with her and be in her presence and feel better.

Of course I knew she loved me. But, I didn't get to tell her I loved her and good-bye before she passed. Others did. and for that, I'm jealous.

I just remember how fragile she became. And how much I needed to help her and how tough she really was. But she loved us, even if we were tough too. She told you her thought and then shrug and say "eh." I truly miss her.

While in Boston, after the funeral we were all at her house - the house she always wanted to go to - I looked at the mantel. There are 5 kids, 15 grandkids and over 17 great-grandkids. There are a lot of people who can be on that mantel. And only so many get that honor.

I was one of the few.

The story where I got my first job out of college with The Derby Reporter as the sports editor was framed on the mantel. It wasn't even the whole story, it was a photo copy and part of the story.

But I made the mantel.

How long do I get to stay on the mantel? Until the house gets cleaned out. The house......

The house where I remember so much. Grandpa's garden. the kitchen, dining room. The desk in the front by the front door. The clothesline you could see out of the living room windows. The sunroom where it was either freezing or sweltering. The house Nana's father built.

I love that house.
I love everything in the house. (well, almost everything in the house, a few things are outdated)
I love everyone who lived in that house and even some who didn't live there.

I miss them.
I didn't get to kiss them good-bye. And I'm so sorry I didn't get to.

Don't blink if you can.

2011-04-09T10:56:00.004-05:00

In an average lifetime- say 75 years- we will blink over 657 million times. We blink about 25 times a minute and if you have a 16 hour day and you live a mere 75 years, you're looking at over 657 million. That's a lot of friggin' zero's. There is a reason behind this.

As I have gotten older, time seems to move much quicker. I don't know when this happened or why, but it does. I never understood adults saying, the time just flies by.

I get it now.

It will be seven years in October when we laid my grandpa Cooper to rest. It was almost four years ago when I didn't go to Boston to pay respects to my other grandfather. It seems like yesterday. I miss them like it was yesterday.

But we have to blink. It's a natural thing. We blink to keep our eyes from drying out. There are times when we cry and it seems as though we dry them out more because we do cry.

To be honest, I don't know what is really true there. I don't really care, either. But I do know when I cry, my eyes hurt and feel dry. And I blink- a lot.

I can't help but blink. There are times I don't want to because I'm afraid I'll miss something important. Like time with my grandmother. A woman I look proudly on and love dearly. I am through and through her granddaughter and I am most like her. And it's seen throughout the family.

She isn't doing well, she's starting to fade. She's 98, it's understandable.

It makes me sad.

But....

It's ok.

We'll be ok.

It will take time for the pain to go away.

But, you can go home now. Go be with your husband. The love of your life. The man you spend 73 years with. It's ok.

I'll be there this time. I'll be ok.

I'll make sure Jon Hansen takes care of you.

I'll miss you, but you can go.

I'll love you forever. I'm forever your granddaughter. I'll forever be like you.

Blinking. We have to do it. We have no choice in the matter.
Just like saying good-bye. Sometimes, we have no choice.

The truth of the Bianco side

2011-03-16T22:53:00.005-05:00

I know thinking like this is probably the worst thing in the world for me to do, but I can't stop.

My grandmother is 98 years old.

I think you can figure out where I'm going from here.

My parents went to Florida to visit her and the rest of my dad's siblings (not all of them live there, but everyone was there). I know my grandmother is having a hard time. She's forgetful, and it's been getting progressively worse. She's healthy as she can be, but she can't remember anything. Let alone her grandkids or what she went into the bathroom for.

It breaks my heart.

I am well aware she will not live forever. Although I wish she could. But, I have to think she's terribly sad. I would be. The love of her life, her partner in marriage for just shy of 73 years passed away almost 4 years ago. She's spent more of her life WITH someone than without. I would think her heart would be completely broken at this point. I'm actually surprised she hasn't gone sooner because of a broken heart.

She's such a strong woman. She's truly amazing. But, it hurts to think how tired she looks, how old she really is and how she's getting along.

I know she isn't going to be around forever. Let along much longer. I think it will be within this year. So does my mother. And she will tell me how it truly is.

I didn't get to go to my grandfather's funeral in June 2007. This one- when it happens- I will be in attendance. I have to be. There are 11 grandchildren, 4 of them are female. And of the 4, I think I am the most like her.

There are things I cherish. Our time together, obviously. More so in the past few years. The past few years I have had the opportunity to fly with her to Boston or from Boston to Wichita. Times where it was just the two of us. Times I will never forget. But, Jeff and John got to have her at their weddings. I won't. But, I... I got the trips. I got to bring her home. Home to Boston and home to Wichita. Taking her to Boston gave me the opportunity to see Boston in the fall, something I had never experienced. I got to bring her back to Wichita with Teresa, who got to experience flying with her. And how she took care of Nana as though she was her own grandmother.

She's also the one who took this picture in 2008.

You have to know

2011-03-08T23:08:00.007-06:00

I need you to know.

You have to know. If you don't know, you're an idiot. But then.....

Again, here I am.

Ted [to Stella in his dream encounter]: You picked the wrong guy.

Stella: Ted?

Ted: You picked the wrong guy. You made a really, really, really bad choice. What were you thinking? That guy? Are you kidding me? Have you learned nothing in the last eight years? You're just gonna regret this. You know that, right? You are going to regret this, and now there is nothing you can do about it because it's too late. All you can do now is go up there and start your crappy, disappointing life that will never be nearly as happy as the one you could have had with me. Good-bye.

Stella: Ted, wait.

Ted: Look, Stella, I am not here to win you back. I am here because I need to know that you know you made the biggest mistake of your life.

Stella: I know

How I Met Your Mother
Season 4
Happily Ever After

That's all. I just need you to know you made the biggest mistake of your life.

I'm a romantic. I'm sappy. I cry at stupid shit, like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. I tear up at Hallmark commercials. Songs can make me cry. But they can also make me smile and laugh randomly.

But I want it to be mine. I don't want anyone else's. I want my own guy.

Robin: Don't get married. Look you're rushing into this, it's like you're trying to skip ahead to the end of the book. Ted, you're the most romantic guy I know; you stole a blue French horn for me, you tried to make it rain-

Ted: I did make it rain.

Robin: It was a coincidence, but after all that, this is how your great romantic quest comes to an end? You're just disappearing into someone else's wedding, someone else's house, someone else's life without a second thought. That's not the amazing ending that you deserve.

How I Met Your Mother
Season 4
Shelter Island

And it was so nice out outside and now it's cold. Back to colder weather. I hate colder weather. Actually, I don't but sometimes I do. Sometimes I just want nice weather and someone to love me in the warm weather AND colder weather. Is that so much to ask?!?

And I love you but I leave you
I don't want you but I need you
You know it's you who calls me back here, Baby

Colder Weather
Zac Brown Band

I'm backing out.

2011-03-06T20:38:00.003-06:00

I have made an executive decision.

I am not running the Oklahoma City Marathon on May 1.

I don't know why I am backing out, but I haven't had the time to run, to really run some long runs. The race is in a month and a half and the longest I've run is 7 miles. I just don't feel as though I will be ready or be at my best. I'm also hating running right now. Maybe I'll run the Wichita marathon in October. I don't know. But I know I'm not going to OKC.

I love this marathon and what it stands for. It's a great thing and it's very cool.

It's just not going to happen this year.

I'm sad about this, but that's just how things roll sometimes.

An expiration date

2011-02-20T20:15:00.008-06:00

Barney: You're getting married? Don't get married!
Ted: Barney, the story isn't over.

I wanted it to work. So bad. Too much, I'm afraid. I mean, it all made sense. We made sense. We have been friends for-like-ever, we like the same things, we have the same sense of humor. The few problems. He doesn't live here, at least right now and he doesn't want to get married. I, on the other hand, live here and do want to get married someday. I want a family, I want kids, I want to come home to someone everyday. I don't know if I can handle being with someone who doesn't want to get married.

Ted: We have an expiration date, don't we?
Robin: Let's not talk about this now, ok?
Ted: No.

Later

Robin: You stole the blue French horn for me.
Ted: I would have stolen you a whole orchestra.

We would have had an expiration date. As sad and hard for me to comprehend that, it's true. We could go on and pretend these things don't matter but we both know it wouldn't stay that way. We would be forced to go different directions, even if we didn't want to. I mean, he's so very important to me, I love him, I need him but I can't be with him.

Barney: You broke up?
Ted: Barney, the story isn't over.

It all comes back to the list. The list I want in someone. He has so many of the qualities I desire but there are 2, which I have to have. A belief and marriage. And it's hard for me to realize he isn't the one. But I guess it's better to know now than later.

But it still makes me sad.

Barney: You broke up.
Ted: [nodding] We broke up.

How I Met Your Mother
Season 2
Episode 22
Something Blue

Crap....I really am growing up....

2011-01-27T23:10:00.003-06:00

Ted: You know what? I’m done being single. I’m not good at it. Look, obviously you can’t tell a woman you just met that you love her. I’ll tell you something though. Say if a woman -- not you -- just some hypothetical woman, were to bear with me through all this, I think I’d make a damn good husband, cause that’s the stuff I’d be good at, stuff like making her laugh, being a good father, and walking her 5 hypothetical dogs and being a good kisser…

Robin: Everyone thinks they’re a good kisser.

Ted: Oh I’ve got references.

How I Met Your Mother
Season 1
Episode 1- Pilot

Me? I'm fine at being single. It doesn't mean I like it. I'm done with it. I'm over it. I just want someone to bear with me through all the crap and I think I'd make a good mother and wife. And someday, I want a baby. I want to be a mother. I want a husband. I want someone to come home to everyday. Someone to sit and watch a football game with. Someone who will fight back with me. I'm a stubborn soul, I need someone who can and will stand up against me and FOR me. Someone who makes me laugh and someone I can make laugh.
I had someone at work tonight tell me they hope I get married soon. Because he thinks I'd be a good wife and I'd make a good mom. I'd like to think I'd be a good mom. I mean, I have the best mom and best dad, maybe it got passed down to me. But, I'm starting to get to that point to where I want to get married, have a house, a career and a family. I

Did I go wrong somewhere? I'm not sure where though. I missed something everyone else didn't miss. I wish I could figure that part out.

Someday.

I'm out.

It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose ’til you win
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
It’ll be alright again
-Sugarland

2010 in a nutshell

2011-01-02T21:13:00.002-06:00

This year I will go through my top events of 2010. These are good, bad and ugly. So, here goes.

1. Graduation. Of course this is No. 1. Did you expect anything else? Holla! Three years of books, lesson plans, observing, papers, tests and student teaching. It took a long friggin time to get here, but I made it. I also made some awesome friends along the way.

2. Babies. This was the year of the babies. 2008 was the year of the weddings. It seems like nearly everyone I knew popped out a kid this year. And I love all of these babies. Adley (Caroline and Dave), Anna (Lacey and Brian), Reese (Daysha and Brendan), Leighton (Abe and Sally), Jude (Mike), Helen (Travis), Colton (Amy and Kyle) and Colt (Dan and Heather). 4 boys, 4 girls. And I love my babies and snuggling with them makes me happy. Just saying.

3. Praxis passed. Third times a charm. Seriously. But, it's done. Now I get a real license. Yes!

4. The break-in. The famous, kick-in-the-side-door, all while I'm student teaching. Yeah, they stole my baby- not Journey but my laptop and my gym bag, a pillow case and a bank from my dresser. Assholes. I did get a new laptop, gym bag and my aunt hooked me up with a new bank. 5 years of pictures are gone from that laptop. Freaking jerks. They also probably saw my sign next to my desk, where my laptop was located- Run Like You Stole Something. Depending on my mood, I might find this humorous.

5. Long term PE. Yeah. I got to teach PE for about 7 weeks, while the teacher was out with an injury. It gave me a chance to try to make things work my way. I learned some things did, some did not. That's the glory of subbing. Try and if it doesn't work, try something else somewhere else. This also let me meet some very cool people, whom I have become good friends with.

6. The A/C and water heater. Apparently 2010 wasn't a good year from my house. The A/C went out this summer when we were breaking records of heat and my parents were out of town. Then this winter, the water heater decided to leak. I don't know much about water heaters but I know they aren't supposed to leak. So, I got a new breaker for my AC and a new water heater. I got to have another conversation about a roommate.

7. Yard sale of 2010. Heh. I had never done a yard sale by myself before. My mom had always had them but this time it was my turn. Teresa and I put our crap together and attempted to sell it in my front lawn. It worked for the most part. We took everything else to Goodwill after the sale. We each had 1 car load and that was it. I was pretty impressed. We had 5 lamps, 2 sold. Mine. Then I found the same halagen lamp at a thrift store. The stupid thing is everywhere. But at least it isn't at my house. :)

8. I gained new friends and lost a few too. One of my best guy friends decided we shouldn't be as good a friends as we once were. Whatever. But I found a couple of friends at my school where I did my long term subbing. So, I think it's a good trade off.

I'm sure there are other things, which effected my life, such as Missouri deciding they want out of the Big 12, so Nebraska and Colorado leave. Mizzu is still here. Jerk faces. My thought- Become the Big 10, kick Missouri out and become the Big 9. That's what I vote for. But then, no one asks me. I got a new Christmas tree. I went from a 3 foot tree to a 7.5 foot tree. I realized I didn't have enough stuff to put on this monsterous tree. And a tree topper. This would be hard with 8 foot ceilings. After the help of some friends, I got the damn tree up on the 3rd try (I'm telling you, 3rd time is a charm!) and it stuck. My boss informed me I am one of the best people people we have at our branch, I deal with change but it's not a favorite thing and I knitted a killer blanket for Adley this year.

I didn't run as much as I wanted this year, but I did swim and bike and do different cardio machines this year compared to the last year. I'm determined to run more, especially if I'm going to run another marathon this year. Go me!

There ya go, 2010 in a nutshell.

I'm out.

I've learned a lot....

2010-12-15T22:26:00.006-06:00

I've learned a lot. I've learned a great lot this calendar year. Maybe it's because I graduated college- again and I've hit bottom and had to figure out how to get out of it. I've lost friends but gained new ones.

I've learned I'm my father's daughter through and through. It'll never change, so I better just embrace it. He's a good man to have as a father.

I've learned it's ok to fail. It shows you're human.

I've learned I am my own worst enemy and critic. I need to learn to accept compliments instead of finding the negative in them.

I've learned there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, just sometimes it's WAY far away.

I've learned I love babies. I love everyone else's babies like they are mine and someday I'll love my own.

I've learned I'm not as independent as I thought. And I'm ok with that.

I've learned some dreams are actually nightmares without all the scariness.

I've learned I could never, ever be a Yankees fan. Ever.

I've learned, as much as I love my parents- which I do, very much so- I could never, ever move back home.

I've learned people grow apart, but still understand their love for each other and it won't change.

I've learned love is real and it's hard.

I've learned I am more motivated when I have goals. Sometimes.

I've learned my brothers are the most important men in my life, with the exception of my father. They are the most loving, wonderful men I have ever met. I hope I find a man who treats me the way they treat their wives.

I've learned chivalry isn't dead.

I've learned crying isn't a weakness, it's actually a strength.

I've learned when I'm feeling down, doing something for someone is the best way to feel better about myself.

I've learned I really do love to cook, I just don't have much time for it.

I've learned people will never cease to amaze me. This can be a good thing and a bad thing. Take your pick.

I've learned so much in my short time, but I have no doubt I'll be learning more as time goes on.

Lucky

2010-12-08T19:28:00.007-06:00

I'm pretty lucky. My dad, is by far the luckiest man on the planet. Seriously. When 9/11 happened- he was stuck in Hawaii. He's had meals paid for, given money and wine sent to his table. He's got that karma of goodness. He can make friends with anyone. He'll talk to anyone and find some common ground and it works.

My brother Jeff is similar. Talks to everyone, makes friends with everyone and gets hooked up with Royals seats, stuff and stuff for his family. It's pretty amazing.

John can somehow maneuver his luck. But, that part comes from my dad. The man can get a $800 door for $200. How? Don't know, but John has the ability to negotiate as well.

I'm not that lucky.

But I'm lucky to have them. I'm lucky to have a father who takes care of me and can take care of me. My brother took me to the Royals/Red Sox game- tickets comped- for my birthday. I have another brother who never forgets me and always reminds me how lucky I really am.

I'm not lucky enough to get meals paid for, given money or stuck in Hawaii. I don't know everyone and get things for my family or even seeing the best of being laid off. But I'm lucky to have these people who show me this everyday. Or at least every once in a while.

But, for the first time in my adult life, I am embracing being my father's daughter. Who knew so many teachers were teaching when my father was? Who knew how many of them still remember him? And I get the, "Mike is your father? Yes, yes he is. He was a legend. He is a legend and maybe, just maybe some of his luck can rub off on me and I can get a job.

It's time I made my own luck. I just hope it comes soon.

I'm out.

A day after thankfulness Thanksgiving

2010-11-26T13:23:00.004-06:00

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I spent my day at work and then I spent the day with my family. This included not only my immediate family but also some extended family as well. This is a normal holiday where we chat, eat, watch football and nap. My mom is learning to crochet and I kept at my knitting. Overall, it was a good day.
There are things I am always thankful for; you know my health, family, friends.

As I read my friend Kevin's blog yesterday, I realized there is much more to be thankful for than just that. It's the little things in life that make us happy. It's clean sheets, cable and hot cocoa. It's having a laptop to use anywhere, a furnace that works and the sun shining everyday.

I'm going to sure attempt to let you know of the things I really am thankful to have, and enjoy.

I'm thankful for Poblano- a mom and pop shop, which gives Chipotle a run for it's money and how close it is to work, 24-hour Dillon's and Wal-Marts, Diet Coke and a good book- one where I turn the pages, not click a button. I'm thankful for the different kinds of coffee I find at Starbucks and the good company I have when I go there.

I'm thankful for Quik Trip's 49 cent 32-oz drinks in the summer, my aunt's banana pudding, Puffs Plus facial tissue and Nyquil. I'm thankful for random yarn shops and the people I meet there, Sedgwick County Park jogging/biking trails. I'm thankful for Old Chicago and their pizza rolls and their specials on beer, especially Woodchuck. I'm thankful for First Gear, the running store, where I can go and get correct information on how to better my running.

I'm thankful for iTunes and my iPods, the people who introduce me to new music and my somewhat endless collection of CD's of which I can listen in the car. I'm thankful for my 2.5 hour road trips to Kansas City to visit my family and the smile on my nephews face when he first sees me.

I'm thankful for my days off work when I can go and hang out with my parents and have dinner or go shopping with my mom. I'm thankful for the inside jokes my brother and I have, the food my family makes and peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches.

I'm thankful for Frosted Cheerios, rainstorms and running when it's sprinkling outside. I'm thankful for a downtown that is close enough to walk to and go and take photos of at any time. I'm thankful for my neighbor who occasionally mows my lawn for me when I seem to lack the time. I'm thankful for the posters I have posted on my wall to remember the things I have accomplished, such as my marathon, half marathons and 5Ks I have completed. I'm thankful for scrapbooks, the store Michael's and Sharpies.

I'm thankful for the comfortable sweats I can lounge in, the tshirt blanket I made to remember my past, the tennis balls all over my house, the Build-A-Bear I received for my birthday and my cabbage Patch doll I have had since I was young. I'm thankful for sheet protectors, fun 1-inch notebooks and Papermate blue pens.

I'm thankful for the people who read this and keep up with what is going in my life. I'm thankful for my coworkers at the Y and at whatever school I tend to be at and the welcome-ness I receive.

There are many, many things I'm thankful for.

Thanks for reading and I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving.

I'm out.

The seasons are changing.

2010-11-11T16:24:00.002-06:00

It's almost halfway through November and the holidays are upon us.

I hate this time of year.

But at the same time, I love this time of year.

It's a time for family, eating and giving.

It's a time to remember. This is the time of year I miss my grandpa Cooper. He loved the holidays. I remember at Christmas when we had the whole family, if we were in school, he would buy us pens. I have a package of pens he gave me. I have yet to open them. He gave me pens which wrote black. I hate black pens. But they came from him and I love him so I just keep them. It's a token of appreciation of why I keep them, I think. I miss him and this is a way I can remember him. When I get my own school and office, I think I will take them to that office and leave the unopened package there to remember of how proud he was of me working toward something I love. He wasn't around when I graduated this time, but I still felt him there.

I love this weather. The cooler weather to where I can have my furnace on at night but off during the day. The trees have their leaves changing colors, the chance to wear jeans and hoodies.

This is the time of the year I feel the loneliest. It's the holidays and people who love each other are everywhere and this year there are tons of babies who just showed up and it will be their first Christmas and Thanksgivings. I love that, but at the same time, I'm still alone. I'm still here, just me and Journey. I just wish I had someone to share this time of the year with. I feel alone and I don't know how to get over that. So, I spend time with my parents. To talk. To visit. To have a conversation with. I hate feeling alone and I'm there.

This year, I'm going to try to not worry about me. I'm going to think of the many babies who came into the world this year. Colton (Amy's baby), Anna (Lacey), Leighton (Abe and Sally), Helen (Travis), Adley (Dave and Caroline), Jude (Mike) and Reese (Daysha). This year is about them. And I'm going to try to remember that.

But there are a few things about the holidays I'll miss.

Pens.

I'm out.

short complain session

2010-10-31T20:48:00.002-05:00

I've had the opportunity to sit on this for a couple of days. I don't know really how I feel about this. It hurts me but at the same time I don't give a shit. He treated me like it but at the same time, he's doing something I never thought he would. He's getting married and in a good way, it isn't me. But it doesn't make me feel any less crappy. I really despise him and don't ever want to see him again but I'm completely jealous he is getting something I want. He's marrying the girl he met after me.

Then- I go to one of the best concerts on the planet, for only $18. And the guy who is supposed to be one of my best friends doesn't even mention he's going and I know he saw me and doesn't talk to me- nothing. He's been short and rough the past couple of weeks. I don't know how to help, I don't know if I can. All I know is that it kinda pisses me off and there isn't anything I can do because he won't talk. I try to talk to him but I get short answers.

I'm about to just give up.

Whatever.

I'm out.

Project complete

2010-10-17T22:36:00.006-05:00

I finished it. It was 3+ months of work. And it was worth every stitch. There were many cuss words said, tears shed and sighs taken.
It was completely worth it.
There were more tears at the end than anywhere else.

I found out the 33''x44'' blanket is left on the couch and it is used to snuggle with in the middle of the night. It's big enough for Dave or Caroline to be warm too. I nearly cried when I saw this:

This was the most anticipated project I have ever done. (Granted it was really the first real project I have made for anyone) but still. I couldn't wait to give it to them and just let them snuggle with it. I still tear up thinking about that blanket and the little man I made it for.
May he snuggle and love it for years to come.

I'm out.

if and but

2010-10-09T21:07:00.002-05:00

I'm happy but sad.
I'm content but I cry.
I'm here but I feel left behind.
I'm thrilled but I'm jealous.
It's tough right now. I'm just trying to get by.
This is one of those points in my life where I'm just trying to get through each day.

I want to try being Wicked and Defy Gravity

2010-09-16T23:59:00.004-05:00

I think I'd like to try this.
What exactly is Defying Gravity?
Defying means: "to challenge the power of; resist boldly or openly"
Gravity: "the force of attraction by which terrestrial bodies tend to fall toward the center of the earth."

To challenge the power of myself against the force of attraction to the earth. Interesting.

This goes to when we were kids and we wanted to fly like Superman or Wonderwoman. We all wanted to try. We all jumped from tree houses or stairs or couch seats to see if we could really fly. Some got terribly hurt, others, just their pride and ego. Now we look at Harry Potter who flies on his broom to play a game, Elphaba (the Wicked Witch of the West) gets her broom as well. She wants to defy gravity. She wants to see what it's like to not play by the rules. She wants to experience something totally different.

Don't you want to try? Just once?

Don't you want to climb to your tree house and jump down and see if you can fly? With a cape (or towel, or sheet or whatever) tied around your neck to help you fly?

Gravity is a bitch sometimes. Especially when you want to fly. When you want to go against Newton's Law and try to defy gravity. How awesome would it be if when we needed it, only when we needed it, could we defy gravity and fly free for a while? Or even just free fall? It's not the same. Free falling can be done, but not defying gravity. Newton says so. He says, "the law of gravity defines the attractive force between all objects that possess mass." Whatever Isaac Newton. I want to try to go against you. Even though I know you're right and your silly equation I never understood in science class. All I need to know if The WWW tried to defy gravity. She did. She went her own way and went against you and didn't free fall like Tom Petty.

I want to try defying gravity.

"">

I'm out.
And now go to try defying gravity and wrap that towel around your neck and jump off your couch, just for the trial of it. :)

Everyone has a family, but is it a crazy family?

2010-08-25T20:05:00.002-05:00

This was exactly what I needed. Wine, laughter, conversations, stories, knitting and annoyance. I knitted, drank wine while I listened to my oldest brother, father, uncle and cousin bullshit. We had 3 Michael's in the house, and 2 of which have the exact same name. It was great.
It was loud.
There were crazy stories.
There was beer and wine.
There was dinner with my nephew Michael.
We sat outside and talked. We told stories, for hours. It was fantastic.
I thought about nothing else except soaking in the moments with my family. My crazy family. And we are all friggin alike. It's so interesting to watch and be a part of. I can only imagine what other people think when we all come strolling in with our loudness and my uncle and father with their accents. All I can do is laugh.
I think this was one of the few times I didn't say much (hard to believe I know). But I just sat, knitted and listened. Some things I didn't agree with, but some I did. They let me knit, drink my wine and listen. I forgot how freaking loud we can get..ahem...they can get. We tell stories, we try to talk over each other rather than waiting our turn. Nope, I can talk louder than you. And it's actually quite fun to watch and listen to.
I got my mind off of everything and away from Wichita and work for a while. It was a needed break, not a long break, but a break nonetheless. A much needed one.

I'm out.

Things to remember

2010-08-20T23:12:00.003-05:00

Things to remember:

-Be a best friend
-Tell the truth
-Overuse I love you
-Go to work
-DO YOUR BEST
-Don't outsmart your commonsense
-Love like crazy
-Never let your praying knees get lazy

These are a few things from my father, and also this song. The do your best part is completely my father. I just have to remember all of these. I have to. I need to.

I'm out.

It's all about me, for once

2010-08-08T23:11:00.002-05:00

It's about me. For the first time, in who knows how long, it's about me. No more worrying about what other people think, it's what I think that matters. I value opinions, don't get me wrong, but I need support. I need people to let me know I'm doing ok, that what I'm doing is fine. That I'm not a failure or stupid or anything else. I need to do what's best for me. I need to stop worrying about other people. I'm a people pleaser and I need to stop it. At least take care of me first, then others. I don't do that, but I need to try.

Out.

Red Light, green light

2010-07-22T00:16:00.003-05:00

This is where I'm at. Sorry.

Red Light
David Nail

So this is how it ends
This is where it all goes down
This is what "I don't love you" feels like

It ain't the middle of the night
And it ain't even raining outside
It ain't exactly what I had in mind
For goodbye

At a red light in the sunshine
On a Sunday
Nothin' to say
Don't even try

Some are comin' home
Some are leavin' town
While my world's crashin' down
On a Sunday
In the sunshine
At a red light

I thought she was gonna say
Somethin' about that couple kissin'
Crossin' the street
Or somethin' about this beautiful day

But she just looked me in the eye
Said it's over
Didn't try to lie
Or pick a fight
I might have seen it comin' thata way

But at a red light in the sunshine
On a Sunday
Nothin' to say
Don't even try

Some are comin' home
Some are leavin' town
While my world's crashin' down
On a Sunday
In the sunshine
At a red light

There's a momma calmin' down a little baby
In the backseat in front of me
There's an old man dressed in his Sunday best
Just waitin' on green
But I can't see, gettin' past

This red light
In the sunshine
On a Sunday
Nothin' to say
Don't even try

Some are comin' home
Some are leavin' town
While my world's crashin' down
On a Sunday in the sunshine
(at a red light)

At a red light in the sunshine
On a Sunday
Nothin' to say
Don't even try

Some are comin' home
Some are leavin' town
While my world's crashin' down
On a Sunday
In the sunshine
At a red light (x4)

I'm out

Someday...

2010-07-18T19:19:00.002-05:00

Today was a day unlike others. But in a way, it was similar. Today was a baby shower, of which I helped host and attend. It wasn't just any baby shower, it was Caroline's baby shower. About four years ago, I helped Lacey with Caroline's bridal shower. I actually thought I would cry, but luckily, I didn't. I hate showers. I do. I hate the games, I hate the opening of presents, I hate the awkwardness of, "when are you going to have a baby, Laura?" Gag. But, today, I didn't have any of it. I stayed in the shadows enough to avoid any awkwardness and just receive the love I needed today. Because today was about Caroline. I needed to show her how much she is loved, and this baby and David. But it was nice to be loved today too.
Now, I can let the tears fall, with no one watching or looking. I can let them fall because I know I want all of this someday. I want to get married and have a family. Someday. I guess my someday isn't going to be soon but eventually.

Out.

1,2,3....

2010-07-18T01:51:00.002-05:00

What's your pain level? "Eight. It's always an eight." -- Grey's Anatomy

Ok, so I'm not an eight. I'm more of a 6-6.5 and even sometimes a 7. Usually a six. But a seven has shown up more times than I'd like. Along with that effing eight. I don't like being an eight. Or a seven. Or a six for that matter. I'd like to be a three, I'd even take a four. But I'm not there yet. I'm a six. I'm trying to stay more at a six and less at a seven or eight. But it's hard when things keep knocking you down. I'm not the most positive person out there, well aware of this, but I'm trying to look for the good in things, the positive. But when it doesn't show up, it's hard. And I try to grab just one thing that makes my day and sometimes that works, but most of the time, it doesn't. I can't hold on to it long enough to make me feel good for the day. It's good for a moment, for a few moments and then it's gone. It's like people know I've got something good and then they destroy it.

I don't want to live my life at an eight.

I"m out.

I'm lost and can I be found?

2010-07-07T23:48:00.002-05:00

I'm definitely not going to say I'm the best person out there. I've made my share of mistakes and I have every intention on making a billion or so more. I don't plan on it, but I know it will happen. I have my share of struggles, which the few of you that read this, well know. But tonight I found out a friend - one of my best friends actually - is there too. He's struggling with who he is and his life and how to get back. Been there. Done that. There now. Trying to handle it. He's not the guy I remember, he's not himself and I know it. I see it. And I understand it. I know what it's like to not know how you got somewhere and trying desperately to get back to who you once were. I'm there. I'm smack in the middle of it. So is he. And it's comforting to know I have a close friend who is kind of where I am. At least the same vicinity. Where I am isn't where I want to be. I"m struggling to find me again, to get to where I need to be. And I hope he knows I can't lead him to where he needs to be but I can at least help. I will be one of the few people who can completely understand what it's like to be where he is. I don't want anyone to have to deal with what I deal with. Except I know there are many who do and it's a struggle for all of us. I'm just ready to be me again. I just hope I remember what the real me is like. It's kinda like a hair color. You color your hair so many times and different shades you don't remember what your real hair color is. I don't know if I remember what the real me is like. I've been so long gone, I hope I find me. I hope he finds himself. We will be in a better place if and when we do find ourselves.

I'm out.

Work in progress

2010-06-28T18:37:00.004-05:00

I went to lunch with my dear friend Hayley just over a week ago. It was a much needed lunch, I believe for both of us. I learned a lot during that hour and a half. I learned I'm normal. I just have a brain that is kind of out of whack. It needs a little help and that's ok.
And I also learned it's ok if I switch therapists over and over. It's all about finding one that works. And I think I have found a place. Luckily, my association offers free counseling for not just crazy people, but finances and marriage and other stuff. It's a really cool thing.
It's called EMPAC and it's fabulous.
I've worked there for 6 years and just recently found out about this.
And my favorite part? When my metro office gets notice that someone went to EMPAC, they don't know why and don't know who. To me, that is super comforting.

I love magazines. Especially fitness magazines. Not for the workouts but more for the little motivational things I cut out and post somewhere in my house. I have one where it says to ask you friends for some love basically. So, on one of my roughest days, that's exactly what I did. I sent a message to a few of my dearest friends and asked for some love. The response was overwhelming (and loving!). I proceeded to print those little love Laura letters off and put them in a binder with some pictures that make me happy and some notes from people. Someday I hope when I open it it'll make me say, yeah, thats me. I'm getting there, but right now I tear up and start to cry. But it makes me feel good I'm loved.

Realizing you are loved is a hard concept for me to comprehend. I don't know why. I mean, I know my parents love me, my brothers and sisters in laws love me, my nephews love me and my family loves me. I know that, partly because I know they have to. :) But, it's my friends when I have an off day and I'm not the easiest person to deal with, why they love me. And why am I unloveable to some people? I guess that's where I don't have control and I have to let it go. My dad was saying that all the Bianco women have the want to help. make sure everything is good, not hurt any feelings that kind of stuff. And he's right. We are all that way. All of us. The Bianco women who aren't that way- they are married in. My mom is one of those. I try to learn from her more and more everyday.

I'm getting there. I'm totally a work in progress and everyday is a struggle but it's getting better and easier. My goal everyday: Make today less shitty than yesterday. Probably not the best way to think of things but right now, it's the best I can do. Someday I won't have to have that note up on my fridge. I can have my Why do you Run? note up instead. Someday.....

I'm out.

A much needed day

2010-06-19T00:57:00.003-05:00

Today was a day where I needed to see my girls' beautiful faces. I needed to see that gorgeous, bald little girl. I needed them to not ask what the hell is going on with me. I needed them to just let me soak in the awkward baby conversation and just love me. And that's exactly what they did.
I let Anna drool all over me and smile at me and look at me like I was kind of important. I needed them to tell me they were glad I was there even though I had no idea what was going on.
And that's exactly what they did.
I needed their love today. I needed them to wait and ask if I'm ok. I needed them to not understand but love me anyway. I needed them to let me pretend everything was ok for that time.
And that's exactly what they did.
It's like they knew what to do. And everything they did was perfect. I couldn't ask for better girlfriends. Two that let me be me and fall on my face and then help me up and hug me and love me even if I'm a mess. And as alone as I feel a lot of the time, it's so comforting to know I'm not, even if they are married with babies, the single girl isn't standing here alone.

I'm out.

This hurts. A lot.

2010-06-11T00:34:00.002-05:00

I hate not being ok. I hate not feeling fine. I hate not being me. And I'm not me. I haven't been for a while and I hate it. I don't know what to do. I don't know what else to do. I'm talking with a counselor, I'm taking drugs, and I don't know if it is helping. I still feel shitty, I still feel alone, I still want to spend every hour of everyday in bed. I don't want to get up in the morning, I don't want to face the day. And that's not me. That's not the real me. And I've asked friends for support and I've had an unbelievable amount of love in return and I printed off all of those notes back to me, just so when I'm down, I can look at them and feel loved and know how much I am loved. But right now it doesn't seem to help much. I hate it. I hate that all those notes do is make me cry. I want to look at those and say, "yes, that's me. and I'm ok." But I'm not there. I'm not there and I hate not being there. I hate feeling like shit and then not sleeping. I hate my temper is short and that I don't care about the things I loved. I hate it. I hate feeling sad. i hate coming home to an empty house. I hate not being loved by someone. I hate not knowing what will happen. I hate being alone. I don't want to be alone anymore.
I know I will get through this, I know I will, I always do but it sucks. It will never, ever be like when I was 16 but this still hurts. And I hate hurting. I hate crying a lot, and I hate that I don't know why I'm crying. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go to fun fit, I don't want to run, I don't want to go to Denver now, I'm hurt that I won't see Mike because his wife doesn't like me. I hate it. AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT ANY OF IT. I guess I can cancel my trip to Denver but then it's over $200 wasted. I don't know what to do. I hate it. I hate everything right now. I want it to all go away. All just go away. Make it all stop. Please let me go back to being me. Please. I beg you, please. Make this pain go away, a pain I don't know where came from or why I have it, but it needs to leave. I hate being sad, I hate hurting and I hate feeling like a baby because I'm crying. I know this is probably good for me, but I don't feel any better. I feel more dumb than anything. I hate feeling so alone. I HATE THIS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

Hmm...

2010-06-02T13:20:00.001-05:00

I will tell you something that I am sure of. We are all afraid. Some of us find ways to hide that fear and some of us don’t. We’ve all got it and it’s always there.

Somedays we just wake up and that day is a little bit better than the day before.

Go ahead, make your days worth it.

I'm out.

Graduation 2010

2010-05-27T23:17:00.005-05:00

Well, I said I would throw up some graduation pictures.. So, here goes.
I only have a few, I'll put up more later.

This is me and my mom after graduation.

Me and Jackie after the ceremony.

And MCB after I got to my parents' after the ceremony. I thought my little nephew looked cute in my cap!

Hope you enjoyed!
I'm out!

The most influential.....

2010-05-26T20:28:00.003-05:00

You can never run another race.
You can never teach P.E.
I am proud of you.
I've never been prouder.
You don't have to take another college course, ever.
If you're happy, I'm content.
It's time you started doing something for you.
You don't have to try to make me and your mom happy anymore.
You have spent most of your twenties trying to make us happy. We're happy. We are proud of you. We will always be proud of you.
You need to start making yourself happy.
You need to know I am proud of you, we are proud of you. You need to know this and you need to believe it.

The most influential conversation with my father today. I just have to keep reading it, understanding it, believing it.

I'm out.

I thought....

2010-05-14T23:54:00.002-05:00

How do you not care? How is it this easy for you? This is killing me, but to you, you don't give a shit about me. I wish I would have known that. But, I was blind. Again. You never cared, I'm guessing. You didn't call, didn't tell me what was going on, left me in the dark. Why? Because you didn't care. This- this hurt. I even said I don't cook for many people. This is important, and you blew it off as nothing. I don't get it. Who does that? So, I took it to my family- my unofficial family at my branch- my little family who would appreciate it. And they did. They loved it. I'm sorry you missed it. All of it. And there was a lot. I couldn't eat any of it because it reminded me of you. And what you did. And how it hurt. I'm sorry you missed it. I'm sorry you missed a great thing about me. Because I'm not tall and blonde and super thin, I can make up for that by my cooking. I'm sorry I'm short, brunette, and not super thin, but I'm me. I'm real, I'm honest and I make things work. I try my best to make people happy, I wear my heart on my sleeve and i love with all of my heart. And to you, none of that matters. I thought you'd understand that. I guess I was wrong there too.

I'm out.

Forget it

2010-05-11T22:58:00.000-05:00

Ah the fool. Something I know much too well.
Damn.

I'm Fearless

2010-05-02T20:55:00.007-05:00

Now I'm not the hugest Taylor Swift fan. I don't hate her no do I love her. But, I think her music is real. She said it best when she won an award at the Country Awards thing.... she let us read her diary. And I happen to agree with that statement. I'm readying a diary of a girl who is going through the same shit every other girl goes through. And this song is no different. It's all about being fearless and putting everything out there.

Fearless
Taylor Swift

There's somethin' 'bout the way the street looks when it's just rained
There's a glow off the pavement, you walk me to the car
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there
In the middle of the parking lot, yeah

We're drivin' down the road, I wonder if you know
I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now
But you're just so cool, run your hands through your hair
Absent-mindedly makin' me want you

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless

So baby drive slow 'til we run out of road
In this one horse town, I wanna stay right here
In this passenger seat, you put your eyes on me
In this moment, now capture it, remember it

'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless

Well, you stood there with me in the doorway
My hands shake, I'm not usually this way
But you pull me in and I'm a little more brave
It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really somethin'
It's fearless

'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless

'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless

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Take this for what it's worth. There is a lot of truth to this song. A lot. Taking my hand and dragging me headfirst- fearless. You pull me in I'm a little more brave. I'm not usually this way- dancing in the rain- that I love. If someone ever does that- that means something. And that means a lot. I hope this one gets it.

I'm out.

I don't need much

2010-05-01T22:53:00.002-05:00

I don't want to be the one no one wants. I want to be wanted. I want to be loved. It's the little things. I don't need much. I really don't. I'm a simple date, and I need a little bit of communication and then I'm good. I have some trust issues I don't want to be used and then forgotten. So please don't.

Idiots.

2010-04-25T18:59:00.004-05:00

It's been a rough couple of days. My little house was broken into on Thursday- smack middle of the day. The jerk faces stole my Apple laptop along with the LIfeSavers pillowcase I have had since I was little. They also stole my gym bag and a bank my grandpa made me out of wood with my name burned on it. It probably had about $10 in change in it. Go figure. So I lost many, many, many pictures and all my lesson plans from this semester. Luckily had I just about everything else backed up. And the funny part of this is I had been procrastinating on getting a new battery for the laptop, so it had about a 5 minute battery life. Ha! I had Teresa and her trusty Glock stay the night on Thursday night. I tried to sleep about 4 hours, it didn't work so well. I broke down during school and I also felt like I was going to throw up all day. I stayed at my brother's that night because I had to hang with the dogs. So, last night was my first real night home with me and Journey. My dad fixed the door they broke down and put a deal up so a piece of wood goes across the door so no one can get in. That makes me feel 100x better actually. I still didn't sleep the best but being here is getting easier. My neighbors have been super helpful and to me that's the best thing. I did get a new laptop, so I hope I can get paid back by my insurance company, since I have renter's insurance. I love this new computer, but at the same time, it's not my baby. But, I'm getting used to it. Journey is starting to be more of herself again, but I won't lie and say I didn't love the snuggleness she wanted after the fiasco. I wish she could talk. She'd have so much to say. And she'd be able to tell me what happened. But, we are getting better and sleep is getting easier. I still worry about when I'm not here, but at the same time, I feel safe with all my protection. I think a taser might be in order. :)
I think that's it for now.

I'm out.

Highway thoughts....

2010-03-30T21:31:00.003-05:00

I spent some time on the stationary bike tonight. Definitely not one of my favorite ways to get cardio, but I'm getting used to it. Especially if I forget my running shoes. Today was one of those days.
I found a song on my iPod, a song I listen to pretty regular. It's not a fast song, but it's a song where I'm allowed to let my mind wander. And when I'm on the bike (and not going anywhere), I'm allowed to close my eyes and just think. The song is by the Zac Brown Band and it's called Highway 20 Ride. If you listen to country, you know it. If you don't, find it.
Here's the lyrics:
Highway 20 Ride
Zac Brown Band

I ride east every other Friday but if i had it my way
The day would not be wasted on this drive
And i want so bad to hold you
Some of the things I haven't told you
Your mom and me just couldn't get along

So i'll drive
And I'll think about my life
And wonder why, I'll slowly die inside
Everytime I turn that truck around, right at the Georgia line and i count the days and the miles back home to you on that Highway 20 ride

A day might come and you'll realize that if you could see through my eyes
There was no other way to work it out
And a part of you might hate me
But son please don't mistake me For a man that didnt care at all

So i'll drive
And I'll think about my life
And wonder why, I'll slowly die inside
Everytime I turn that truck around, right at the Georgia line and i count the days and the miles back home to you on that Highway 20 ride

So when you drive
And the years go flying by
I hope you smile
If i ever cross your mind
It was a pleasure of my life
And i cherished every time
And my whole world
It begins and ends with you
On that Highway 20 ride....

While I listened to this song and didn't go anywhere, here are a few things I thought about. Some stuff is good, was good and some is sad. Or very sad for that matter.

- Driving to KC to see Michael for the first time.
- my text messages to B while driving and him making sure I got there ok.
- Driving to Arkansas
- Grandpa Bianco
-The phone calls about Grandpa B's death
- Not being able to go to Boston for the funeral
- Mike being upset he couldn't help
- Joel
- Driving to Iowa to see Joey for the last time
- Sleeping in the tree house in the middle of June as a campout with Joey
- John Frazee
- Grandpa Cooper
- my last birthday spent with him. I was 20
- Jon Hansen
- American Heart Association
- Hugging Andrea at Jon's funeral. As I walked up to her I just said, "Andrea." She said, "Laura. I had stopped crying but now I am all over again." Then I hugged my other Mama (Andrea's mom).
- Dinners with Brian and how comfortable it was and fun.
- All 3 nephews.
-Little Matt, when I first moved in with them to the duplex. He was 3. We grew up together.

For the most part, that's what I thought about. I won't lie, I played the song twice because I wanted to keep thinking. About the good AND the bad. I needed to do that.

I'm out.

A little this and a little that.

2010-03-17T15:52:00.002-05:00

I decided this needed to be a light blog, considering the last one was a little deep. And also over a month ago. I'm due for some humor.
Well, it's Spring Break. This will be the last one I get. Well, until I get a teaching job that is. And we are hoping that is soon. You know, like in the fall. I'm half done with my student teaching- I finished up at Park Elementary last week and I was sad to leave. I really enjoyed my time there and the 8 weeks went so quickly. Next week I will start at Maize Middle, which is a complete switch from where I was. You know, completely urban to completely suburban. This should be interesting. I learned so much from Randy and the staff at Park, it was quite difficult to leave but if I don't get a job, maybe they'll request me for subbing next year. I just hope I get a job.
I also just got home from a visit in Kansas City with Jeff, Jen and Michael. And Michael, who's favorite comments consist of "No!" and "Don't touch me!" and "I'm not talking to you!" and of course, "Where's Mom?" The best statement, which I had to text bff Shannon, where he heard the word Jayhawk on the radio and drops "Rock Chalk, Jayhawk, KU" with the U going in a deep voice. It was a classic. The trip was worth the no sleeping in and lack of naps and a teacher work sample, which I should be doing right now, but I'm breaking from it. I did happen to find some new kicks at the outlet stores and of course a warm up set for $30 at Nike. I'm all about the bargains.
The bracket has been made for the Bianco Family challenge. I'm determined to win this year. As I am every year. And every year I lose. three number 1s in the Final 4, K-State the 2 seed there, and KU and Kentucky battle it out. Self v. Calipari. Bring it. Jayhawks win it all again. Something I am ok with.

I think that's it.

I'm out.

A year ago....

2010-02-09T22:11:00.004-06:00

My heart aches and breaks. It's been a year. One full year. 365 days. Every holiday has come and gone and everyone's birthdays too. And my heart still aches for the family. My unbiological family. The family where I spent many a weekend, went to many soccer games, trips and had sleepovers. And vice versa. Andrea knew my family as well as I knew hers. We had brothers with the same names: we each have a Jeff, who is the oldest. our mom's names are similar: Jane and Jan. Dad: Mike and Brad. And then our other brother. John and Jon. I still have mine but she- she lost hers a year ago yesterday. He was the baby of the family and since I was the youngest, he was my little brother. I was there enough. I lost my little brother too. The funeral was so hard. So hard. I couldn't go by myself; I had to have my mom go with me. And she wanted to too. She knew she needed to. This was part of her family too. Andrea was her other daughter. She needed to be there for her and Jan. My family, my unbiological family lost a part of them last year. I lost part of my heart last year when he passed. I don't go a day without thinking of him. It had been years since we spoke, but when he crosses my mind, I smile. I think of all the times I spent at their house, and Jon following us, chasing us, being a little brother.
I had Monday off of school for a snow day. I kind of wanted to be at school because I wouldn't have to think then. But, I had the day off, so I thought. And then I decided- I was going to watch our movie. The movie Andrea and I fell in love with and it became a favorite of Jon's. Cool Runnings. I bought it about a year ago and never opened it. I know the movie through and through, so I hadn't watched it. But yesterday was the time. I watched it. Quoted it and smiled. And remembered. I remembered how we would watch it at Andrea's house, the couch pulled out and we would sit and watch Cool Runnings. Darise and Sanka. That was us. The logical one and the goofy one. Except we were both logical and both goofy. I remember Jon would come and watch the movie with us, and after awhile, we were ok with him watching it with us. I think it was because we were told he could. We didn't have a choice. I don't remember if we ever watched it at my house, but I know we always watched it at her house.
What an amazing family I got to be a part of. And it was by choice. Or accident. Or fate. Or we can just blame the substitute bus driver who wouldn't let us off the bus and we were crying because we were in kindergarten and Andrea's parent's chased the bus down and took us both off and then took me home. Who knew a friendship - a tight friendship at that - could last this long? Who knew I could hurt this much?
They may have lost their biological son/brother, but I feel their pain too. Although not near as much. I don't think I ever could.

I'm out.

A dinner with the girls

2010-02-02T22:11:00.003-06:00

I'm at that awkward point. Where no one wants to offend me. And I appreciate that, I really do, but it still kills me. This is all brought up when I found out tonight one of my bff's is having a baby. Which-- I am thrilled about- but I feel somewhere behind. I went to dinner with Lacey- who could pop any second and Caroline, who is only weeks along. Both are happily married, again of which I'm thrilled because it's great they did it the right way- and now are both expecting. But, I'm the girl who is single but has it together. Compared to the girls who are single and don't have it together and look at every guy who walks by. Yeah, I might have it together, but doesn't mean I don't think about it or be sad about it. I just don't show it in front of people. I cry and be sad by myself. There is a piece missing in my life. But it's not something I can fill right now. I have other things to be worried about and to focus on. But I'd love to have someone. I don't like being alone. I actually hate it, to be honest with you. HATE IT.
But, what are you gonna do... just move on.

I'm out.

Student teaching Part I

2010-02-01T20:33:00.002-06:00

As long and as hard as I have worked for this, I need this. I need this to realize I'm ok. I need this break. Student teaching isn't easy by any means and I'm working hard at it, but I need the break from all of the other bullshit I have going on and just focus on my soon to be career. And I love it. I do. THIS is what I should have done first. But I regret NOTHING of what I did prior. I met some amazing people while in Communication. And I am forever grateful for them and all they have done to help me. But, this is probably the best feeling I have had in a long, long time. I still struggle with other crap, but I feel I'm doing something right for once. I'm finally on the right track. It's about damn time.
i have decided I am going to try to email my siblings weekly about the prior week in school. Since we are all so busy this is a good way for me to let them know what is going on in my life. Because those are 4 of the most important people in my life, I need to keep them in the loop. it's the least I can do.
But I'm learning so much and doing so much and Randy is letting me fall on my face and learn. How else will I figure it out? And I love that. He's a great teacher to his students and to me. He's letting me figure out what I'm doing and go from there. It's a great way to teach. He's letting me be in control but he's there for the hard stuff if I need him.
I think I finally got something right.

I'm out.

Read at your own risk.....

2010-01-12T23:02:00.003-06:00

I'm hurt, sad and alone. I'm scared, afraid and sick. I want to throw up and cry at the same time. And I'm tired of all of it. I'm tired of being this way. This isn't me. I hate how I feel after being hurt and heartbroken. I've been this way too many times for a person. I know this feeling much to well for my age. How can no one want me? How can I still be alone? What have I done? What do I do? What is it? What am I doing or not doing? Am I really that unloveable? Honestly? I haven't been me in a few good months. I'm a warm body taking up space. I'm not me. I don't know what to do, say or even think at this point? I want to cry all of the time, I want to run away and make it go away. All of it. But I can't sweep feeling under the rug and hope they go away. Just like many other things in my life. I can always hope things go away but they don't. Sadly, they don't go away.
I gotta get back to me. Cuz this sucks. I hate being this way, but I've been told I'm in a rough patch. This is one of the roughest I have had in a long, long time. I mean I know everyone will have rough patches, that's life, but this one is awful. I hope to God this student teaching thing will be even halfway good because I need something to look forward to. I need it. I need a change. I need to get away from this situation and make myself better. I need to get back to being a better person but I can't until I get over this bump in the road. I don't. I don't know how to get him back to my best friend without the fear of falling for him again. But right now, I can't talk to him like I normally do because I'm not ready. I'll get there-- someday, but right now, I need him at a distance. I need to get away from him to get over him. I need to be away. Enter: student teaching. This will get me away from the workplace with him and into something else. And I can throw myself into my job and away from him. I miss the bs with him but I can't do this. I can't be myself. And I see it and feel it. And I hate every second of it. Tonight was the longest eight and a half hours of my life. Luckily, we had a shit ton of paperwork and it took me over 1 1/2 hours to check it. I needed to not look at him, talk to him be near him. I need to get away. From him, from everyone and everything. I need a break. I'm tired of being alone and tired of everyone asking. No I'm not ok and no I'm not going to tell you what's wrong. And yes I'm going to lie to you if you ask if everything is ok. I will tell you I'm fine and look like I might cry. I'm going to say I'm nervous about my student teaching when really I'm not all that nervous. I'm ready. But to make you happy on what is wrong, I'm nervous. And in all honesty, I'm afraid of being a failure. Not so much in teaching because I think I can handle that, but in my own life, I feel like I'm failing. In every aspect of it. Yes, every aspect.
I already spilled more than I thought and wanted to.

I'm out.

2009 in a nutshell

2010-01-01T17:03:00.003-06:00

The past few days I have been trying to figure out what my top things were for 2009. Nothing really comes screaming to my mind. I bought a new vacuum, I got a new TV from my grandma, I got a Build-A-Bear in Boston like I always wanted. I'm 27. This year wasn't a year for things. I was a year of emotions and travel.
1. I went to Boston. This was a different type of vacation. I went to Baltimore with Teresa and went to a couple of Red Sox/Oriole's games and then we went to Boston. The only thing I really wanted to do there was go see my grandpa Bianco's grave, which I hadn't ever done. He passed 2 years ago and I haven't seen it. I didn't get to go to the funeral, so getting my chance to say goodbye to him was important. I'm glad I went with the 2 people I went with. I went with T and my cousin Gina, who both let me have my time with him as I cried and said goodbye to him. Really say goodbye to him. Something I hadn't done.
2. My longtime friend Andrea lost her baby brother. Her baby brother was 22, but growing up with that family and not having a baby brother, he was also my little brother. He suddenly passed in February with a heart condition no one knew he had. Not even him. This was the year I became passionate about the American Heart Association and what it does. I raised over $600 for AHA and Andrea and I walked together at the AHA walk at Wichita State.
3. I decided I'm going to try to better myself. With a lot of ups and downs with me mentally, I decided to go to a therapist. Hopefully this will work. I've done a lot of crying these past few months and I need to fix it. Here's hoping 2010 will do that.
4. I helped a friend train for her first ever marathon, while I trained for the 1/2. I got in shape and helped here achieve her dream. It was a crappy 4 months of running but worth it when I crossed the finish line. There was a lot of sweat involved in this but worth it and I'd do it again.

I know there weren't a lot of things I bought that jump out but doesn't mean the year wasn't good. I have my health, I am able to continue my running and I'm in school to do something I am passionate about. I continue to watch my nephews grow up, become better friends with my siblings and realize who are the people who love me more and more. And forget the people who don't love me.
I vow this year to be a better person. Inside and out. I'm going to try to not sweat the small stuff and learn to let go. I'm going to work on my knitting and also my running. I'm going to work on being a better sister, auntie and daughter. I am going to take better care of myself by sleeping and not staying up so late. Maybe not as many rum and cokes or beers and more water.
Here's hoping all of this sticks by March.
Happy 2010 everyone!

I'm out

Reason of the season

2009-12-24T23:28:00.002-06:00

"That night there were shepherds staying in the fields nearby, guarding their flocks of sheep. Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord's glory surrounded them. They were terrified, but the angel reassured them. 'Don't be afraid!' he said. 'I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. The Savior-- yes, the Messiah, the Lord-- has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David! And you will recognize him by this sign: You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth, lying in a manger.'
Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others--the armies of heaven-- praising God and saying, 'Glory to god in highest heaven, and peace on earth to those whom God is pleased.'
When the angels had returned to heaven, the shepherds said to each other, 'Let's go to Bethlehem! Let's see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.'
They hurried to the village and found Mary and Joseph. And there was the baby, lying in the manger. After seeing him, the shepherds told everyone what had happened and what the angel had said to them about this child. All who heard the shepherds' story were astonished, but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often. The shepherds went back to their flocks, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen. It was just as the angel had told them."

Luke 2:8-20

This is the real meaning of Christmas. May we never forget the reason for the season.

You aren't smiling...

2009-12-22T23:46:00.002-06:00

I have forgotten what it is like to wake up happy. I really have. I wake up and all I want to do is go back to sleep and hope it goes away. It doesn't. Maybe it's this weather. Maybe it's this time of year. Maybe it's I'm 27 and still single and tired of it. I'm over being annoyed with it, I'm just done with it. It won't always be like this, I was told tonight. She promised it wouldn't. I hope she's right. Oh how I hope she's right. I hope it gets better. I hope it gets easier. I hope I wake up one day and I'm happy about life. I won't have to think about the shitty-ness that is my life right now. About how in debt I am, how lonely I am, how tired I am. I hope that day gets here friggin fast. Because this- I hate this. I hate how me breaking into tears can happen at any time. I hate how I'm actually writing about this right now. Because I shouldn't. I shouldn't have to or be writing about this right now. I should be happy. I should be smiling, I should be thrilled. But I'm not. I'm here. And for right now, that's pretty much the best anyone is going to get right now. And that- that is sad. Is being happy too much to ask right now?

I'm out.

A step worth taking

2009-12-09T23:14:00.003-06:00

I'm a stubborn soul. It's true. I won't deny it. Today I took a step. I'm hoping in the right direction. I'm scared to death of psychologists and they're analyzing ways. I have an auntie who is one and the way she has always analyzed my father I think is why I don't like them. Every time I talk to her I think she's analyzing me.
It pisses me off.
But, like I said- I took a step today. I went and saw one. A guy who I know, who has known my family and me for years. We go to the same church. I took a chance. I cried a little. It happens, I guess. I realized my brother and I have work to do to get over this stupid sibling rivalry thing and be friends. Except he's 8 years older than I am. This will be tough. But I figure it can't hurt. I did a lot of thinking there today too.
A lot of the good things about my family and my siblings. How much I really need them, especially when I don't want them around. I realized my mom and I are closer than I thought and I'm still definitely a daddy's girl, minus the dependency. I'm not as crazy as I thought and I just want someone to organize my brain because I'm not smart enough to do it myself.
It was a scary day today.
But I survived. But not without some tears.

I'm out.

The magic words

2009-11-18T23:10:00.002-06:00

The words every daughter wants to her from her dad:
I'm proud of you.
I love you.

I can hear him say them. And I cry every time.
Every time.

It could be me or it could not be me...

2009-11-17T23:35:00.005-06:00

Yeah, what do you do when you fall for your best friend? And You're 99% sure he doesn't feel the same way? What do you do? How do you get over that? I mean, he's your best friend for a reason. You're together all of the time, you take care of each other. You give each other shit, you can talk about anything. And you do. You make light of something which shouldn't be and get away with it. Because they are your best friend. You don't worry about who picks up the tab because it'll even out.. eventually. You take care of each other. You're both single and EVERYONE wants you to get together, including you.
Again, Eli Young Band to the rescue. This one is off the EYB album called Eli Young Band. (clever, huh?)

I Still Think it's Me

In one moment you gave it up
You decided that this wasn't love after all
We showed the world we gave it a try
It didn't work and God knows why
And now you're off to find someone new
Wonderin' if there's still someone for you

And I still think it's me
I still think it's me
I still believe one day you will see
We can't fight it or even deny it
I need every breath you breathe
I still think its me

You always said you'd end up alone
Never find a man of your own that's not true
High and low you searched everywhere
But along it's been right there
In front of you for all this time
Was the man you'd always wanted to find

And I still think it's me
I still think it's me
I still believe one day you will see
That we can't fight it or even deny it
I need every breath you breathe
I still think it's me
I still think it's me......

**solo**

And I still think it's me
I still think it's me
I still believe one day you will see
That we can't fight it or even deny it
I need every breath you breathe
I still think its me

I still think it's me
Ohhhhh yeah....I still think it's me
Ohhhhh yeah.....I still think it's me

Everyone says to marry your best friend. I know that. But you can't go from being best friends to married. You have to take a chance of making it work. How do I do that? I have to some point bring it up and tell him what I think. That's the scary part. I've already been rejected once recently, I don't know how I can do it again. If I can do it again. I'm gonna have to but I don't know how.

I'm out.

Wicked, wicked, wicked

2009-11-08T02:13:00.002-06:00

This was my show. Or well, it was supposed to be. We were supposed to go see this together. Not you and her. I don't get it. We were going to go see it on Broadway, yet when it comes here you think we wouldn't? That makes sense. I don't understand. I'm jealous you went. I'm mad you went without me.

I'm out.

Believe.

2009-11-06T22:16:00.002-06:00

I believe.
I believe in karma. I believe in fate.
I believe everything happens for a reason, whether I like that or not.
I believe people are brought into your life to help you. Whether you like that or not either.
I believe good things happen to good people. I also believe bad things happen to good people.
I believe everyone has a soul mate and sometimes they aren't meant to be together.
I believe love is hard but it's worth it.
I believe and know it hurts when it doesn't work.
I believe alcohol is a good friend in those times.
I believe friends are even better.
I believe in alone time.
But I also believe in not alone time.
I believe I'm tired of being alone and this.
I believe I have too many guy friends. And I'm just one of the guys- I gotta stop this.
I believe I have 2 places where I'm in my element. On the road running and on a tennis court.
And I'm not on those places enough.
I believe my boy- friends will never see me as girlfriend material. That has to be changed. Somehow.

I believe in a lot and sometimes not enough.

I'm out.

It's about the cake.

2009-10-12T22:45:00.003-05:00

Its one of those points where I have so much to do and I feel as though nothing can get accomplished. Except for tonight. I went to class, as normal, worked on my practice teacher work sample, went to work on it some more at Panera (which the west one has HORRIBLE power outlets. My Apple outlet wouldn't stay. It was frustrating. So, I then went to the dentist to fill in a filling of which fell out. Awesome. 2 hours later, I finally went home for a nap. I then cooked dinner and watched some baseball. I made some brownies, which were awful (that's a rarity for me) and after I came home from Starbucks and working on my TWS some more, I made a cake. Apparently I'm in a baking mood. The cake is awesome as I always make them and my TWS is complete. All I need is a shower and bed. I feel as though a load has been lifted. I have a budget due on Monday after our Kansas City race and I have to teach my nutrition lesson . But other than that, my calendar looks pretty clear. It won't stay that way, I'm sure. But for the first time all day, I'm feeling pretty good about life right now.
I did one thing I wasn't supposed to do Saturday night. I was out and about and I went by his house. I stopped even. I rang the bell. I waited. He didn't answer. I don't know if he wasn't home or didn't want to answer. But, I tried. And with that trial, although the thought has come up to go again, I refuse to let that part of my brain take over. I don't need him. I don't hardly get what I want and I've survived so far. I have wonderful guys in my life, who I am not dating, but they are better to me than he has been. And, I'll take that for all it is worth. I have a family that will do anything to take care of me. To take care of me. It's the phone calls that are random just to check in make my family amazing. They make me absolutely crazy but they are amazing at the same time. And I'll take that any time.
I'm trying to just focus on this race this weekend and this semester. One week at a time and one project at a time. I wish I had more time, but I don't. And for now, that's ok. It'll be over soon and then I'll join the real grown up world, once again. And I'm ready for that.

I'm out.

My Boys

2009-10-05T22:15:00.003-05:00

I know I'm hard headed. I'm well aware of it in fact. But this- this has gone on longer than it's supposed to. I laid my heart out there. I gave it to him. And he did nothing with it. He didn't even hand it back broken. He just took it. Took it. Who does that? Who does things like that? Who takes someone's heart and then lets it sit there. No response, no letter, no returning it completely broken or shredded. Nothing. Oh, I know who. Him. That guy. The one that lives down the road. The one who stole my heart when I was 16. The one who was the one I was supposed to marry. The guy of my dreams. He lives down the street and I haven't seen him for a year and a half. I send a letter, get a response a month later. I send a response back and over 30 days later, I have received nothing. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I put myself through this pain, this heartbreak, this mess? Oh yeah, because I'm hard headed. Because I'm stubborn. Because I believe to never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about. Because I fell in love years back. Because I'm afraid I'll never find anything good again or ever. Because I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. Because I don't want to be the cat lady.
I got to forget him a week ago. A week ago my friends and I went out for my birthday. Because I had my boys with me who cared about me, who love me, who- I found out will do just about anything to take care of me. And I'm still thinking about this asshole. Awesome. But the one I really want (or think I do)- of course, doesn't see me that way. And I'm ok with that. Although I'd love more, I just need him in my life. And I know I have him. And my other 2. They also love me. They also make sure I'm fine, I'm taken care of. Those 3 guys are going to make great boyfriends and husbands one day. I swear they will. They are wonderful, caring, amazing, they know how to take care of women. They're moms and dads taught them right. And that is going to hook some woman one day. It already hooked me. Why do you think I love them?
Yet- I tend to fall back on the one who doesn't care. The one who can't figure out what he wants and if he wants me or not. And with no response at this time- there is nothing left but to move on. I left it all out there. I did what I could do. I made it clear what I wanted and he obviously doesn't want me. And now it's my job to move on. But when guys aren't busting your door down to take you out or even have any that are somewhat interested in you- then it makes it a little more difficult to move on. Although I am and will continue to try to move on from this guy.
To the guy who stole my heart 11 years ago- It's apparent you don't care. So, therefore, I don't care.

I'm out.

In the car and driving, except I'm really not in the car nor driving

2009-09-11T23:28:00.005-05:00

With some help of my friend Kevin, whom I went to see in Arkansas a few months back, I found this song. I give him full credit because he made me a mix-tape so to speak. It's more of a CD and I know it took forever for him to put together. Because of him, I found the Eli Young Band. My friend Brian, went to the EYB concert on August 7, the day I flew home from Boston. And texted me when they played my song. This has quickly become one of my favorites and I find a new meaning in it all the time. There are parts that remind me of Kevin, especially the, "Well hello" part. :) And the "Get in the car and drive" part. Considering I drove 4.5 hours to see him. But, anyway.... this song.

Get in the Car and Drive
The Eli Young Band

In this picture you're right beside me
Arms around my neck and eyes like you'll never leave
A love lover, a sweet thing
I know we agreed, but I think I'll call you anyway.

Well hello, It's just me
A little distance and I lost something in between
I've waited forever
For this to get better.

She said how can I believe in something I can't see or feel with my fingers?
Yeah how can I believe
And I said...

Anytime you wanna be my love
That's a reason to do what you're thinkin of
Anytime you wanna come on over
Stop asking, get in the car and drive
Stop asking, get in the car and drive

Well hold on take it slowly
Breathing deep and meaning every word just for you
only
Keep this inside you no matter what you do
These are the simple things in loving, yeah
The simple things in loving, yeah.

She said How can I believe in something
When you're never here and I'm not sure if I need this?
How can I believe?
And I said...

Anytime you wanna be my love
That's a reason to do what you're thinkin of
Anytime you wanna come on over
Stop asking, get in the car and drive
Stop asking, get in the car and drive

She said How can I believe in something
I can't see or feel with my fingers?
Yeah how can I believe?
And I said...

Anytime you wanna be my love
That's a reason to do what you're thinkin of
Anytime you wanna come on over
Stop asking, get in the car and drive
Stop asking, get in the car and drive

Stop asking, get in the car and drive
Get in the car and drive.

A favorite. I hope this helps on why I am the way I am right now. I've got a lot in my head right now and there are times I just need to get in the car and drive. But sometimes I don't have a place to go or want a place to go. I have a love/hate relationship with my drives to KC. I love them because I get to think. I hate them for the very same reason. I love the drive and how it can go so quickly because I'm just thinking. But there are times when I don't want to think about anything and I'm in a car for 3 hours and I don't have anything else to do but think. This song helps. A lot.

I'm out.

Sox at O's July 2009

2009-09-01T22:29:00.007-05:00

Life is good today. I have plenty going on in my little brain, but I'm doing fine. I found out today about how much my oldest brother really loves me. And how awesome HIS friends are. They read my statuses on facebook and they seemed concerned about me and that made him concerned. It's nice to know they all care- but I'm doing fine.
It's been a month since I've been home from the east coast. I still have itches to be there. It wasn't enough time. To me at least, I didn't have enough time in Boston. But it was great. I loved everything. I had Regina's, I went to 2 aquariums, had cannolis, ate crabs for the first time, not once but twice. Cracked jokes and met new people. The trip was great and Teresa and I didn't kill each other, which was the best. I think she had a good time with my family, I sure had a good time with hers. But, bringing Nana home was the most important part of the trip. That and seeing Grandpa's grave. The two most important things I had to do on my east coast trip. And I've already blogged about Grandpa, so I'll spare you all again. I do miss him terribly though. I found a picture of him yesterday when I was cleaning and I just started crying. Speaking of crying- I send this guy a letter before I left on my trip. I wasn't sure if he'd ever respond- which he finally did. I told him how I felt, and what I wanted. Here's hoping he wants the same thing. I don't know if he does or not. And if we don't try, we'll each spend the rest of our lives wondering what if? And I don't know about any of you with this, but I don't want that. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering what if? So I put the ball in his court and I don't know if I'll get what I want, but here's hoping I do. For once.
Oh! While in Baltimore we went to the Sox/Oriole's tickets. We got Friday night and Sunday afternoon seats.
Here is a picture from Friday's seats.

We got back from Friday's game and Amanda- Teresa's brother's girlfriend- said, "I need your tickets for Sunday's game. I'm going to give them to my dad and sister." Excuse me? Then she went on to day she got a parking pass and a seat upgrade. She had 4 tickets, 7 rows from the O's dugout. Are you kidding me?!?!?!
Here's a picture from Sunday's game.

This is Dustin Pedroia hitting a single into left center during the first inning. This shot was taken from my seat. Yeah baby!
I even have a picture of Teresa and I.. smiling... after Friday night's game. She was surprised when I whipped out my Sox jersey that night. She thought all I had was a hat. WRONG!

If I find more, I'll post them. There are more, many, many more. But this is enough for now.

I'm out.

wow.

2009-08-22T21:08:00.002-05:00

Everyone has that "one that got away" or something similar. It happened to me. The one that got away, he got engaged. I really didn't think it would feel like this, but wow. I can't seem to get past it. I need to and I know I will. I get through everything. But, this is hard. The one that got away, got away.

I'm out.

The real meaning of my trip to Boston

2009-08-07T22:21:00.003-05:00

I'll blog about the trip later. I'm too tired to do so tonight. But, I've been thinking about this all day. The highlight of my trip wasn't the Sox/Oriole's games. Not the amazing tickets that went with it. Not the trip to see my family. Not Regina's pizza, of which I have been craving for a year and a half. Not even the cannolis. Not Cheers, not Boston Common or the public garden. It was the second I found my grandfather's grave for the first time. I came upon it and said to Teresa and cousin Gina, "I found it." I then squatted down with my single white (my favorite) rose in my hand and just looked at that headstone. I had never seen it in real life before. I wasn't able to go to the funeral, and the last time I was there I wasn't ready to go there. This time I had to. If I didn't do anything else, I had to do that. I had to go there. I didn't say anything as I sat/squatted/stood, whatever there. I just started crying. For the first time it was all real. It was all too real for me. Both G and T let me be there for a minute. They stood behind me and just let me have my time with him. My real chance to say goodbye to Grandpa. Something I never got the chance to do. I don't remember crying that hard in long time. But the tears just flowed and I couldn't stop them. I didn't want to. After a few minutes I laid the rose on top of his stone, still being able to see the name and years and kissed it with my hand. G then let me just cry. I think everyone knew how much I needed to go there and how sad I was not being able to be there. I still miss him everyday. He was such an amazing man. He took care of his family and I hope I am able to find a man who treats me the way he treated Nana. He took such good care of her. He always provided for her and loved her. I could still see it in his eyes when he looked at her 73 years after they first got married. And my first trip to his grave was probably the saddest one I'll have. The times will be easier to go, but none will ever touch me the way it did when I saw BIANCO for the first time on the stone. The cross next to his name and how my heart sunk, although I knew it was real. This time it was really real. And heartbreaking. Such is life and my experience to Grandpa Bianco's grave was the hardest, but satisfying. Because I finally - 2 years later - I got to say goodbye to him.
This was the real meaning of my trip to Boston.
This is what I went there to do.
And I did it.
My emotions were mixed, but I felt better after going.
From here on out, whenever I go, I will bring a white rose to his grave. That is what I started with, and I will continue to do so.

RIP Grandpa Bianco
I love you and miss you.
RIP Grandpa Cooper
I love you and miss you.
Both of you- so much.

I'm out.

Paradise is now on fire.

2009-07-28T23:04:00.003-05:00

Aahh, all good things have to come to an end now don't they? And my paradise has come to a screeching halt. My auntie is going to screw me over, again, this trip. She isn't going to bring Nana down so I won't have to spend 1/2 of my 2 1/2 day vacation in Boston going to get her. She doesn't care. My favor and help of my family is going to bite me in the ass. Again. Every time. And it isn't my fault or my parents' fault or my grandmother's fault. It is my dad's sister who has something against him to make our lives difficult. And it's getting to me. This happened the last time I went to Boston. She swept Nana and Grandpa to the Cape and I didn't see them the entire 8 days I was there. I saw them 2 hours. That was the last time I saw Grandpa. I still haven't forgiven her. It was all about her and no one else. And I suffered her selfishness.
And then I talked to this guy about when we dated - on the DL - and how he was talking to this new girl and he's just playing it day by day and whatever. Exactly what he told me. I'm not the jealous type, I'm really not, but this one kinda got me. I still have a little thing for him. I shouldn't. Considering we "dated" whatever you want to call it, for only a few weeks a good 5-6 months ago. But we said we would see what happened and we've hung out many times since and we are still tight but I guess I'm that easy to get over.
Every guy I've dated has quickly moved on from me.
Wow.
That just dawned on me. I'm THAT easy to get over. That sucks. Awesome.

I'm out.

East coast in 1 full day.

Paradise

2009-07-24T22:01:00.002-05:00

I'm actually in a good place right now. I'm still at home, but life wise, I'm in a good place. Which lately, hasn't been the case. I've struggled with finances, work, relationships, school and just everything in general. Basically, I didn't have enough hours in the day to do anything. And the days I did, it was too effing hot to really do much outside. But, the guy and I have figured everything out and we are pretty much back to where we were before the trip. And THAT is a great, great thing. We were always tight and had a good time together and to think I wouldn't have him as a part of my life made me distraught. I didn't want that, I wanted things to go back to where they were before the trip. I know we will never be the same, but we are pretty damn close. It's so nice to hear from him and laugh at his tweets and know he's doing just fine. It makes me happy to know that. I'm done with school for a few more weeks, but it's so nice to know this is the last. The light at the end is getting brighter. And by May, it will be beaming like a beacon. I'm so excited. My friends have talked me into walking (although, I didn't want to, but I know I should). We have all been so much together and if one of them weren't walking, I would want them to walk and I would talk them into it too. So, props to them for making me decide to walk! Work is work. It's repetitive, but at the same time, I still love what I do. Sometimes the kids stress me out and frustrate me, but overall, it's an awesome job. I love the people, my co-workers and the whole atmosphere. It's going to be a hard place to leave when I do go. And a coworker is on vacation and it's so much more relaxed right now, although it's probably one of the most stressful times of the year for us. But, I love helping them and doing what I can to help them and make their life and job just a little easier. It's the least I can do. They help me out, so I help them out. And finances, well, that still sucks. But I'm doing the best I can on my spending and watching what I spend. This trip to Boston could be difficult, but I'll do my best. But I am on vacation and I might have to splurge. And that will be it until the end of the year. I have to get everything in line. I have to. And since I know that, I'm not stressing about it. I'm not really stressing about anything right now. I'm calm, relaxed (as relaxed as I can be) and chill. I'm having a blast with my friends and my family and just life. I have friends that are so important to me and take care of me when I need it. My family is always there for me and I have the BEST 3 nephews in the world. They always make me smile, even when they aren't around.
For the first time in a good while, I'm finally in a good place.
And it's great to be here.

I'm out.

My life is mixed up playlist

2009-07-12T21:50:00.008-05:00

Unlike a friend, music doesn't have the impact it does on him. I don't have an obsession with it. I love it, have to have it. I listen to music to match my mood. There are nights where I drink a rum and coke and dance and sing in my kitchen. Because I can. There are nights where I listen to all the sad songs I can find on my iPod and sit and just think and cry. It reflects my mood. I try to find songs to relate to my life. I find songs that fit... me. I will randomly put a few lyrics on Twitter, to let them know my mood. Lately they have been Darius Rucker, whom I have a new found love for. But, I found a song before my trip to Kansas City with my mom. I had never heard it and have only heard it a handful of times since. I didn't think Sugarland could produce this, but they shocked me. I nearly had to stop the car and just sit and listen. Because at this point, this song screamed to me. And by screaming, I'm talking my father-yelling-at-the-top-of-his-lungs-at-one-of-us-screaming. I came home and went straight to iTunes and bought the song. I've listened to it nearly everyday since then. Because at this point in my life, it's where I am. At this point in my 26 year old life, I'm here. And by being here, I could be already gone.

"Already Gone"

My Mama mapped out the road that she knows
Which hands you shake and which hands you hold
In my hand-me-down Mercury, ready to roll
She knew that I had to go
And hangout, make lots of noise
And lay out, laid with a boy
Make the mistakes that she made for she knew all along

I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
Life is a runaway train you can't wait to jump on

They say the first time won't ever last
But that didn't stop me. the first time he laughed
All my friends tried to warn me the day that we met
"Girl, don't you lost your heart yet"
But his dark eyes dared me with danger
And sparks fly like flame to a paper
Fire in his touch burning me up, but still I held on

'cause I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
Life is a runaway train you can't wait to jump on

The last time I saw him, we packed up my things
And he smiled like the first time he told me his name
And we cried with each other
We split the blame for the parts that we couldn't change
Pictures, dishes and socks
It's our whole life down to one box There he was waving goodbye on the front porch alone

But I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
Hangout, make lots of noise
And layout laid with a boy
Make the mistakes that she made, life is a runaway train

His dark eyes dared me with danger
And sparks fly like flame to a paper, Fire in his touch
Life is a runaway train you can't wait to jump on

My mama mapped out the road that she knows
Which hands to shake, which hands you hold
In my hand-me-down Mercury
Life is a runaway train you can't wait to jump on

I have grown up a lot in the past few months. Because I wanted to? Maybe. Because I had to? Possibly. I just did. I learned a lot. I've faced hard times, I've been hurt. I've learned to realize it's ok to be hurt. It isn't their fault, it isn't mine either. It's because it's been 5 years and we've seen each other twice and then had a weekend. We aren't the same people from when we were 21, 22. We are adults. We have bills, we have responsibilities, lives. It happens. And we can't be hung up on what happened or what didn't happen. We just have to move on. It wasn't a mistake, it was curiosity. It was something that had to happen, we both needed to know. We found out. We found out it wasn't what we had when we were in college. Yet, we didn't date in college. How? I'm not sure. He didn't try hard enough, that's how. But I remember the night we officially met. Wichita State was showing The Pirates of the Caribbean and I had to go shoot the people watching the movie. He found me. I ended up only taking a few shots because we talked the whole time. His friends brought a couch over to watch the movie. I remember I couldn't remember his name. I had to listen to someone yell at him to learn it. (He doesn't know that though, shh). It was later when he stood me up. He asked me after a baseball game to go to the frat, but 1-didn't tell me where it was and 2-he didn't go there after the game. That is an official standup. But after all that has happened, my hope is to still be friends. Still send random texts to each other, and to this I promise I won't be hurtful. Because I know it hurts. But the wound was still new and sore, but still unfair. I miss our talks of random crap. I feel as though I let something important go. Something I had control of keeping or holding on to and I let it slip away. It can be debated if I had control or not. The tears, those were uncontrollable; I couldn't help those, although I wish I could. I hate shutting off, shutting down, letting go when I have nothing else. There have been times when I knew I didn't have control of something and had to let it go, but this one, I felt as if I could have done something, but I didn't know how or what I would change (except the whole crying thing). I really don't.
Growing up sucks.

But--

My hope is to someday have whatever it is for the man in my life. To help, to be there, to make their life just a little easier. As long as they make mine the same. I want to someday have that special something. The special something the Zac Brown Band talks about in this song.

"Whatever It Is"

She's got eyes that cut you like a
knife and
lips that taste like sweet red wine
And pretty legs go to heaven every time
She got a gentle way that puts me at ease
When she walks in the room I can hardly breathe
Got a devastating smile knock a grown man to his knees

She's got whatever it is
It blows me away
She's everything I wanted to say to a woman
but couldn't find the words to say
She's got whatever it is
I don't know what to do
Because every time I try and tell her how I feel
it comes out "I love you"
You got whatever it is

You know I've never been the type that would ever want to
stay
Bring 'em home at night and they're gone the next day
But that all changed when she walked into my life
People ask me what it is
I tell them I don't know
Just something about the woman makes my heart go haywire
She's gonna be my wife

She's got whatever it is
It blows me away
She's everything I wanted to say to a woman
but couldn't find the words to say
She's got whatever it is
I don't know what to do
Because every time I try and tell her how I feel
it comes out "I love you"
You got whatever it is

When she loves me
Girl that's how I feel
When she loves me I'm on top of the world
Because when she loves me I can live forever
When she loves me I am untouchable

She's got whatever it is
It blows me away
She's everything I wanted to say to a woman
but couldn't find the words to say
She's got whatever it is
I don't know what to do
Because every time I try and tell her how I feel
it comes out "I love you"
You got whatever it is

Well, I've gone on long enough.

I'm out.

It'll be okay

2009-07-11T23:55:00.002-05:00

I'm going to be fine. I always am. Always will be. Because if I'm not, I can't fool anyone. and we know that can't happen. I'm all about fooling people. Except sometimes I can't. And sometimes I don't want to. But most of the time, I need to, I have to. If I don't, I might actually show my feelings; show my heart. And we can't let that happen, now can we? Nope. So, I'm going to press on and be fine.
I will be fine.

I'm out.

Ugh.

2009-07-11T11:26:00.001-05:00

Nothing changes with them. I'm the 5th wheel with my own family. I don't think that is how it should be, but that what it is. Great.
That makes me feel good. I'm the unimportant one with my own blood.

I'm out.

It's one of those days.....

2009-06-28T21:21:00.002-05:00

I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I worked all weekend, didn't do anything when I wasn't there, so I felt as though my weekend was a waste. Now I'm home, I want to sleep or do something- but I have homework to finish. I have a paper due tuesday which I forgot about until tonight. I haven't started. I'm not all that worried about it, but I need to start it tonight because if I don't, I'll be up until who knows when working on it tomorrow night. I'm drained. I want school to be over with. I want to be done. I know I have less than a year, but I have 2 semesters still. I'm starting to get burnt of this. I'm getting burnt of everything at this point. All I want is that friggin swing at my house and for a year, I haven't had it. I was first asked if I even wanted it because I hadn't gotten it. I really can't because I don't have a truck and I can't lift it alone. And so I started asking, hoping my family would help me out. I'm tired of asking, I feel as though I'm being a pain in the ass about it. But all I want is my damn swing so I can sit on it. and be outside. But I'm done asking for help. I'm just going to have to figure out how to do it myself. I doubt I can, but hell, I"m gonna try. I even have a grill my brother gave me. Can I use it? Nope, but I'm sure as hell gonna try. I don't want to ask because I'll never get it figured out. I really didn't think I asked for much around my family, but I guess when I do, its too much. I'm sorry I was at work and didn't get to be there when you all ate and no none of you can have MY dinner. You had your own, this is mine. I was told I would get dinner when I came over. Stop eyeing my dinner, you already ate. You want more? Eat a bowl of cereal. And yes I just came from work... what do you think I was doing? You think I purposely waited to come over at this time? Really? No.

Paper left...

I'm out.

It's alright

2009-06-20T05:51:00.000-05:00

I. I am going to be fine. Perfectly fine. And that makes me happy.

I'm out.

American Heart Walk

2009-06-13T13:01:00.003-05:00

I went to the American Heart Association walk today with Andrea. It was just the two of us from my team. And I'm okay with that.. I wish the rest of the team would have come, but it was a great time for Andrea and I to catch up on our lives. It's been such a long time since we hung out and talked. We spent about 4 hours together today and there was hardly a moment where we weren't talking about growing up or life or where we were going, what we were doing, everything. We laughed about growing up and the things we did when we were little together. Riding the bus and our tragic adventure of when we had a substitute bus driver. The scrapbook I made her for when we graduated high school. I can only barely remember doing it. I can't wait to look through it with her. We talked about our brothers, our families, her late brother. He walked with us today. :) She had a picture of him and pinned it to her shirt, so he was with us. He gave us a beautiful day for a walk. We signed a memory poster in his memory and I told her what I do for my races with his initials. We didn't cry, which was good. But even if we had, it would have been fine. We would have been fine. But I was so happy Andrea and I went together. I think it was good for both of us. We needed it. We needed to get together. We promised to get together more. I wouldn't have had this any other way.
Because of Jon, I became passionate about the American Heart Association and for the Walk, I set a goal to raise $500. I passed it and raised a total of $630. :-) Thanks to everyone who donated and supported me in this. I can't express my gratitude for your help.
Today was a great day. It was beautiful, I had great company and it truly made me happy to do it. I'm just sad it took Jon's passing for Andrea and I to really get together. I hope this brings us closer together. And i think it will.

RIP Jon and thank you.
You are truly missed.

I'm out.

Don't think I don't think about it.

2009-06-13T07:25:00.003-05:00

Don't think I don't think about it.
Love me some Darius Rucker. He's pretty awesome. Not gonna lie.
It's all so true. So true.

I left out in a cloud of taillights and dust
Swore I wasn't coming back, said I'd had enough
Saw you in the rear view standing, fading from my life
But I wasn't turnin' 'round
No not this time

But don't think I don't think about it
Don't think I don't have regrets
Don't think it don't get to me
Between the work and the hurt and the whiskey
Don't think I don't wonder 'bout
Could've been, should've been all worked out
I know what I felt, and I know what I said
But don't think I don't think about it

When we make choices, we gotta live with them
Heard you found a real good man and you married him
I wonder if sometimes I cross your mind
Where would we be today
If I never drove that car away?

Don't think I don't think about it
Don't think I don't have regrets
Don't think it don't get to me
Between the work and the hurt and the whiskey
Don't think I don't wonder 'bout
Could've been, should've been all worked out
Yeah I know what I felt, and I know what I said
But don't think I don't think about it
Don't think I don't think about it

Don't think I don't think about it
Don't think I don't have regrets
Don't think you don't get to me
Between the work and the hurt and the whiskey
Don't think I don't wonder 'bout
Could've been, should've been all worked out
I know what I felt, and I know what I said
But don't think I don't think about it, no no

Don't think I don't
Don't think I don't

I'm out.

Trip and fall

2009-06-12T22:32:00.002-05:00

It's the trips to see my family that make my heart happy these days. The trips to drive 3 hours and see my nephew, who is now 2, makes me smile. The the trips where I know I'm going to come home a much better person than when I went there makes it worth it. The trips to see Shannon and Mark and see how their life together is growing and their house is become more of their own. The trips to hang with my sister-in-law and catch her up on my life. The trips to talk baseball, Red Sox, tennis and have awkward conversations with my brother. To play with Michael. To see how much he has grown up already.
Those are the trips I plan to take more.
The trips to see my family in Boston. To stay with Nana. To travel the city. To finally visit Grandpa's grave... alone. To drink beer with my cousins and laugh until we cry. To visit Melissa and Dan and Eli in DC. And Ashley and Brent for a day. To watch the Sox and Orioles. To seeing where one of my best friends came from. Where she can see where I come from.
That is the trip I'm looking forward to.
No more trips to where I don't know what could happen. No more guesses. No more. I learn from my mistakes by trial and error. It's human nature. It's what we do. And someday we finally learn. I think I've finally learned.
Those are the trips I no longer will take.

I'm out.

re: nothing

2009-06-03T22:59:00.003-05:00

Sleeping has been rough the past few weeks. I can sleep, but I wake up just as tired, if not more tired than when I went to bed. I could take my sleeping pills but because I have Fun Fit in the morning, I don't want to take them in fear I might sleep through my alarm. While texting my friend today, I expressed how the best thing of my day is doing Fun Fit because I don't have to think about how shitty I feel my life is at this point. I don't feel unloved or unwanted when I'm in Fun Fit. She said, "That's why teaching is the best job in the world. You are the most important person in the world to 30 people for part of their day." I responded with, "That makes me feel I'm going into the right field then. But until I start my job, I'm going to feel unloved." These past few days, I've just been bummed. Fun Fit is the only part of my day where I feel happy. I don't feel like myself these days. Every time I seem to put myself out there, I'm burned. And I'm always burned when I'm away from home. 2 hours, 5 hours, 8 hours. I'm never in MY comfort zone and I have to make it all work, somehow. I usually do, but I have to somehow hold myself together. I have to pretend nothing is wrong, I have to pretend I'm not hurt, I have to pretend it's all okay. I'm not sure if I can do that much longer. I don't know exactly why I'm bummed now, but I am. I'm not sure if it's because I know this one will never work out. And I know, it happens. And it happened.. i have to move on and forget it. But it still hurts. It all still hurts. And I know it still does because my appetite is still gone. Or least not where it normally is. And that's never a good thing. I hate this time. I hate being like this. I hate being sad when i shouldn't care or don't. I talked to my mom about stuff a little tonight. I told her I wasn't going back there and she asked why. I tried to explain, but she knew where I was headed and hit the nail on the head with, it just didn't click. Exactly. My mom knows me better than I think she does. And she went on to say, it's okay. It happens. I hate it though. I'm so tired of it not working. I'm so tired of it. I'm just sick and tired of it. Someday it'll all work out, but I'm so effing tired of waiting for it to work. So effing tired.

I'm out.

Life was easier when I was 5...

2009-05-31T18:37:00.003-05:00

I periodically forget how much I have grown up. To my brothers I am still 5 years old. I'm over 26.5 year mark, but I'm still their baby sister. I'm OK with that, for the most part. There are more times than not where I want their 2 cents, their opinion, their knowledge. I even want my mom's advice. My only problem is I don't do any of the above. And I know I want to get Mom's advice because, well, she's my mom. She's the one I can go to and cry to and not have to really explain why I'm crying until I'm ready to. And I think I'm at that point in my life where I need her more than ever. I'm such a daddy's girl that he taught me to be independent, to be strong, to be able to do it all by myself, I don't need a guy. And I never really told my mom about the guys I was interested in, or anything. There was a part of me that just wanted to sit and talk with my mom about this weekend, and what I thought, what I was feeling, what to do. Damn, growing up sucks.

I'm out.

Rain

2009-05-05T12:51:00.002-05:00

Rain, rain go away. Come again some other day.
It's starting to get to me.
I still have the belief it's helping someone. I do. It's saving someone. Someone desperately needs it. But, at the same time it's starting to kill me. It's bringing back memories I don't ever want to think about again.
So, rain- please go away and bring on the sunshine!

it's a picture.

2009-05-04T09:31:00.004-05:00

I went to Kansas City a couple of weeks ago to run a race with my brothers and sister in law and nephews. We went to Lawrence and Laura and I ran the 10K and Jeff, John and the boys ran the 5K. While we were in KC at Jeff's house, there is a picture I gave Michael a present for Christmas and I gave Jeff a 5x7 of the same picture. And it's framed in his office. Something I never thought he would do. It caught me off guard. But, of course we are in our Red Sox jerseys. Of course it's framed. Why wouldn't it be?

A Run to Remember

2009-05-02T20:35:00.006-05:00

Wow.. it's been some time since I last posted. I apologize to all 4 of you who read this. As you probably know, I ran the Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon Relay a week ago. I knew it was going to be pretty intense and amazing and fun. I didn't realize how much it would be.
This is before we left for Oklahoma City. And yes, I'm wearing a Royals t-shirt.

My friend Jackie and her two friends and I all went to OKC and the one thing I really really wanted to do was go to the Memorial Museum. It was a self guided tour through everything that happened and it touched me from the second we walked to the museum. It was pretty amazing, I'm not going to lie. The tour took about an hour and a half to walk through it with the artifacts, the stories, the pictures, the videos, everything. It was so touching. I held back tears more than once. I can't even explain it. The morning of the race, right before they shot the gun, they had 168 seconds of silence for the 168 people that died in the bombing.
I ran the 3rd leg of the relay- technically the longest leg. It was a 12K run or 7.6 miles. I got the chip from Becca and took off. I ran the first 2 miles in about 14 minutes and told myself if I was going to be running 7 miles I needed to slow it down a bit. I slowed down and ran a pretty damn good pace of about 9 minute miles. Right on cue. When it was my turn to pass the chip to Ryan, I didn't want to. I wanted to keep running. I ran my leg in 1.08. That's an hour and eight minutes. And I could have kept going. About 20 minutes after I finished running, I told Jackie I wanted to run another marathon. She told me she was waiting for me to say that. Not shocking to say the least.
I've thought about that race for the whole week and how awesome it was. The atmosphere, the way it was run, the course, the hospitality of people. How nice everyone was. We helped each other out, cheered for each other, it was great. For my next marathon, I want to run that one. Also, the registration money is given to the memorial. I think that's awesome. It's a complete volunteer-run event. I wish Wichita's marathon could be like that.
So, our team name was Puke and Rally (thank you). When Jackie and I went to go pick up our registration, they commented about how it was one of the "more colorful names." Yeah, it happens. So, we were so pumped, we wrote PUKE and RALLY on the back of our calves. We're just that cool.

I also- wrote Jon's name, DOB and DOD and RIP on my arm for him. And You Are Missed. Because of the humidity of the day and the overcast and it being about 70*, when I was done running, I had Sharpie dripping. I didn't care. Whenever I got tired, I looked at my arm and thought of Jon and kept running. I held back tears through the race. For it being just a race, it was a pretty emotional weekend.
And I loved every second of it.
It was truly a Run to Remember.

I'm out.

It's a trust thing.

2009-03-27T00:35:00.003-05:00

It's comforting to know they trust us. It's comforting to know they know we'll be just fine and we can handle it. It's good they realize we are the best in the city, but it doesn't make it easier. We are burned, we are stressed and pulled in many, many directions right now. It's hard to love everything right now. We hurt, and we are about lost. We don't know how much more we can handle. But it's comforting to know they didn't rush to our aid because they knew we'd be fine. It's good they know it, because sometimes WE aren't sure we're going to be fine. We've all broken down when we've left, we've all cried while we're there. We've broken down and cried with each other. We have bonded together better than ever, but we aren't the same. We're struggling. Many of us with other things too. We are all trying to just make it. Make it to the weekend, make it to the next day, make it through that day. Just make it. We are barely surviving and we are doing the best we can.

It's a feeling

2009-03-23T23:52:00.004-05:00

Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone, I keep waiting for you but you never come. Is this in my head? I don't know what to think!
Cowboy, take me away. Fly this girl as high as you can into the wild blue. Set me free, oh I pray, closer to heaven above and closer to you.
I have people in Boston and isn't your daddy still in Des Moines? Tomorrow we'll take a look at the map, tonight let's flip a coin, heads Carolina, tails California.
Sorry, I stole all three of those lyrics from three different songs. Oops.
I'm ready to be away. I'm ready for Boston, I'm ready to be away from this state for a while. This city, these people. I'm ready. I'm ready to be done with school, I'm ready to start my career, I'm ready to move on with my life. I'm ready to start a life. I'm at that stage where I'm ready to find my husband and start our lives. Who that is is yet to be determined. I'm at that point. I don't like finding people through the bar scene, I'm too scared to put my info on the web for the matching thing online. So I'm depending on my close friends to find someone for me. What if there isn't anyone for me? I don't want to be alone forever. I'm scared that might happen.
What if it doesn't work? What if it doesn't happen? What if he isn't the one? What if he is? What if I'm too friggin chicken? What if it never works out? I'm usually the one that happens to. You don't get to kiss me and then say you don't want to date me. It doesn't work that way? I'm probably not much help, because I enjoy hanging out with you, talking to you. And I know you enjoy that too. So I'm guessing you just aren't that into me. I have to move on and forget it happened.. Pretend. Pretend nothing happened. I'm good at that. I have to be. If I'm not good at that, things would be awkward between many a people. I have prove I am ok, although I may not be. I can't let you see how much I hurt. I can't let you see that again, I've been the one to be hurt. I can't show that. I can't let you see I'm vulnerable. It can't happen. I have to be the strong one, the tough one. That's what I do. Even if I don't want to be. If I break down, then you'll see. You'll see how much you hurt me and I can't let you have that guilty feeling, now can I? It's not me to show that, it's not me to let anyone else feel guilty about something like this. Although, I really should. I should let you see the scar, the scar that has been scratched again and near ribbing open again. I should show you, but I don't want to. I want to hide this, and keep it away from anyone because I'm ashamed of it. I'm ashamed of the guys who have hurt me. Real bad. And I don't want you to hurt me, so I won't show you, I'll pretend nothing ever happened. I get hurt too easily. So, you, not you, but you, be careful. I need you to be careful. My heart is tender and it's been broken a couple of times, so it's not in its best shape, but it's what I have. If I give it to you, I need you to take care of it. Please, I'm almost begging you (not quite but close).
It's been one of those months where I'm just lost. I've had days where I have never felt so loved or important followed by days where I have never felt more alone. This weekend was one of those times. I felt like that yesterday and into today too, but when I got my mail, I had a letter I never expected to see. My friend, who is in prison right now, wrote me a letter. I started tearing up before I even opened it and read the letter. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary for our conversations, yet I cried. As we got older we grew apart, as people do, but I have made sure I have put out effort to send him cards randomly. Just to let him know I'm thinking of him. So he's not so alone. Then I realized I'm not alone either. I may have just Journey with me when I'm home, but some people have no one. How blessed I am, yet I didn't realize it until my friend pointed it out- without pointing it out.
I need to remember I have it pretty good. Although sometimes I don't think I do. But I do.

I'm out.

Today (for Jon)

2009-03-02T13:38:00.002-06:00

I woke up in the middle of the night the night before Jon's memorial service. And for the first time in years, I found something to write poetically. It's been years since I've done this. I'm not expecting to be put in another book or have anyone even remember this, but to me, this is monumental. It's been a long time coming. This is for you Jon. Rest in Peace my dear friend.

Today
Today is the day we have to say goodbye.
Today is the day we don't want to.
Today is the day where we let you out of our lives and into our hearts.
Today is the day we don't want to.
Today is the day we mourn with each other.
Today is the day we don't want to.
Today is the day where we see familiar, saddened faces
and we don't want to.
The choice wasn't ours to let you go,
But God has something better in store for you.
Today is the day we have to say goodbye.
And today is the day we don't want to.

I'm out.

Central Tri

2009-02-21T21:32:00.005-06:00

Well, I completed my third Triathlon in 3 months today! Every time I have PR'd. Which is pretty awesome for someone who has only done three of these.
I ended up switching heats from the 10 am heat to the 1030 heat because my friend Emily needed to go earlier because she had to put Blaine down for a nap. I was fine with that. My other friend Jackie had these posters, which because she was in the 10 am heat, was able to cheer me on while I was running. And these signs were a big help!

And since you can't read the signs, they say "Puke and Rally" and "Love the Pain." Go figure.
I could have sworn I bent my leg more so you could read my number. But I guess it felt more than it was because I was dead.
I did the first one at the West Branch Y December 7, where I finished in 50:50.
The Derby Rec Center was January 23 and I finished in 50:30.
And today at the Central Y, I finished in 47:24
Breakdown for today:
Swim: 9:30
Bike: 22:34
Run: 15:20

Total: 47:24

*side note: I am right handed and with my left hand, with a sharpie, I wrote Jon Hansen's initials, date of birth, date of death and RIP on my arm. This race was in remembrance of him. I know no one probably saw my right forearm, but I didn't care. This one was for him.

And, again, Jackie taking her famous "in the middle of killing myself" photo. You're welcome. This was after my swim and in the middle of my biking... my least favorite part of the tri.

I'm out.

RIP Jon Hansen,

2009-02-09T23:49:00.004-06:00

Wow, it's been a while since I've cried like this. He was the little brother I didn't have. Andrea didn't want to have him around, but we got used to it because it was her little brother. and we weren't very old either, so it was fine. But, it's hard to believe he's gone. It's hard to even grasp for me. I almost threw up on my way home from work tonight thinking about it. How can it be? He was healthy. He played soccer everyday, he was a kick ass goalkeeper. And then he collapses and has a seizure and does on the basketball court. He was only 22. It breaks my heart. I wish I could do something, say something to make it better, but I can't. It won't. I have to move on and I have to suck this up. But, for Andrea's sake, for her family's sake, I have to go and pay my respects to the little brother I never had. But growing up, he was as close to me as my actual brothers were. Growing up, he was a part of my family and now he always has a place in my heart.
I may not know your birthday, your favorite color or favorite football team, but I know you were always around when Andrea and I were up to something. You watched movies with us and got in on our inside jokes. And don't forget the trip to KC for the Royals baseball game. I will always remember. Always.
Rest In Peace Jon Hansen.
RIP.
You will always be remembered, fondly thought of, and forever loved.

I'm out.

It's a missing moment.

2009-02-04T00:14:00.003-06:00

Wow, I really do miss her. And him. And them. I didn't realize I had so many friends that have moved away. Lily is in Chicago, Shannon and Mark in KC, Ashley and Brent in DC, Kevin in Arkansas, Linn in Arizona.
And today is Lily's birthday. And I sent her a message and wished her happy birthday. And I found a picture the other day from when we graduated high school. Right after commencement and we were so excited. And how much we have grown up. She's married and has a baby now and lives in Chicago. Me? I'm still in school or back in school, single with a cat (who is pretty much my baby). Kevin is in Arkansas doing the journalism thing, something I knew he would do and he's great at it! Ashley and Brent- they're just amazing. They knew what they wanted to do and they're doing it. Linn moved to Phoenix for a job and now it seems like all of his friends are going to move there. I'm jealous. And Shannon and Mark. I knew they'd be KC folk because they were in Lawrence, it just seemed that is the way it should be.
I'm so proud of all of them for doing what is best for them, but I'm just sad. I'm sad because we don't grow apart, but we grow up and it's hard to keep up with everyone and what they are doing because we have so much going on in our own lives. It happens and no one can be angry about it. It's life. The ones that are supposed to stick around- do. Lily and I keep in touch randomly, but we know we still have that friendship love for each other and we miss each other.
But, I know if I need a place to go, to get out of here for a while, I have places to visit. DC, Arizona, KC, Chicago, Fayetteville. I think everyone would be willing to take me in for a few days. :)

I'm out.

Things about me.

2009-02-01T07:02:00.006-06:00

Things about me maybe you didn't know. Maybe you did.

1. I met my soul mate when I was 15. He became one of the most important people in my life.
2. With that said, I fell in love with him when I was 16. I knew I was going to marry him. Except it hasn't happened and at this rate, it won't.
3. I love ice cream. Even in the middle of January.
4. I'm a people person. Just sometimes I don't want to be.
5. I grew up on peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches. My friends had never heard of them until they came to my house and my dad made them for us. Everyone liked coming to my house.
6. With that being said, I have a new found love for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Kroger crunchy peanut butter and sugar free strawberry jelly. Yum.
7. I wish I could save Girl Scout cookies so I can have them the whole year. But, sadly I can not.
8. I also wish Pithencusa was easier to make... and spell. (It's the Christmas pastry thing I make every year)
9. I collect t-shirts. Free t-shirts.
10. And shot glasses.
11. I think of other people WAY before I think of myself.
12. I'm pretty sure I have saved all of my press passes from when I was covering sports. (except for the one I lost when I was covering the NBC Tourney as a the Wellington Daily News sports photog)
13. I wish I were neater.
14. Although I am going into P.E. and this is what I should have done in the get-go; I regret nothing about doing journalism in college, I have met some of my closest friends in that part of my life. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
15. Sometimes I feel like an outsider in my own family. But, I think we all do at some point. Or at least I hope so.
16. My Cabbage Patch doll my mom got me when I was little, has moved to every house I have lived in. She will continue to do so. Her name is Heather Irma and she's a gymnast.
17. I have never broken a bone. (Knock on wood)
18. I have notebooks of I don't know what from high school and college. I refuse to throw them away. I don't know what's in them anymore, but I know they are important. Or were.
19. I print my blog off and tape it in a notebook. I'm currently working on filling the 3rd book.
20. I took 3rd place in Sports Column writing in 2004 about when the Red Sox won the World Series and how it all came about. My advisor was less than happy about it. My editor thought it was awesome.
21. I still have it framed in my office.
22. I've run a full marathon, all 26.2 miles of it. I was newly 21. Go figure.
23. I've had a poem published in a book. NW High School still has a copy of that book. I do as well.
24. I don't eat pork.
25. I played tennis for years, but I'm still in love with baseball.

Maybe, just maybe.

2009-01-31T22:12:00.003-06:00

I gotta stop thinking. I really do. It kills me inside. And then it comes out on the outside and everyone freaks out because I'm not cheery like I usually am. But, aren't I allowed to have a quiet day? I think so.
And I saw my old roommate today. Shit how I miss her. I really do. She came into the Y and I just hugged her. She was so awesome. I loved working with her and although we lived together for only a few months, it was nice having someone to talk to. She was so fun, we were so much alike too.
And I talked to Greg's dad today about him. And it made me sad. I miss Greg. So, I broke out another card today to send to him on Monday. I know he really needs it and I told him that I miss seeing him and I'm thinking about him and I still love him. I always will, we grew up together. He was such a huge part of my life for so long, I can't let that go. I can't.
Why do I think too much into things? I really do? One thing just fell apart, yet I wonder how to fix it, when I know it's better off not fixing. It's better the way it is, I know this, yet I want to make it better? I kind of want it to be where it was, but it won't be. It can't be. I loved it when we were together. We were a pair, but it never got to be anywhere except for with us. Which is fine, but I don't like to hide things. I know people want the best for me, and want me to be happy, I know this and I'm eternally grateful, but I have to be the one to figure it out. I have to make it work. I... I don't know. My sister in law didn't meet my brother until she was student teaching. They were set up. John and Laura were set up. Which makes me think, maybe I should be open to being set up. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. But maybe it would be. I don't know.
Maybe I need to get out of here to find out.
Maybe i need to stay here.
Maybe it's right in front of me.
Maybe it's not.
Maybe I need to stop thinking about it.
Maybe I just need to shut up.

I'm out.

In a Garden State of mind

2009-01-24T00:10:00.002-06:00

I forgot how much I hate the being left feeling. And tonight, for the first time in a fucking long time, I felt it again. I watched Garden State and at the end, sorry to ruin it for some of you- Natalie Portman's character, gets left. He leaves. He tells her he has to go and tells her to look at him and I get this feeling in my stomach of that I'm getting left feeling. I hate that feeling. I know what she went through. Except he didn't come back. I got left. And I hate the feeling. I was left to pick up the missing pieces and put my life back together. I was forced to put my life back together and fix it all - alone. I still wonder to this day if I have really pieced my life back to where it should be. If my walls are too high and no one can get in and no one ever will. If I'm too damn stubborn or difficult that no one will try. Am I too intimidating that no one is willing to try. What is it?

I'm out.

Things and thoughts

2009-01-09T00:30:00.004-06:00

The night I wish I could just crash, I'm here awake, thinking. Thinking about what you ask? Everything. This past year, all that has happened to me and not to me. I'm here thinking about this guy, my friend growing up, is now in prison. For how long? I'm not really sure. I was thinking about the times we all went to his house and played games and went swimming and just hung out. The "play group" from when we were little, there was 5 of us, Shannon, Hayley, me, Greg and Joel. 4 of us went to the same high school and graduated together and went to the same church. It was truly special. I was thinking about Rockcleft. The time where it wasn't planned and Tim knew us and how important washing each others feet was to us, what it meant. And he changed plans around and did that. Greg and I afterward went to talk. How proud he was of me for all I had overcome, what I had done for him and what I meant to him. i told him the same. How special he was, how glad I was he was a part of my life. And just recently, seeing him come into the Y and play racquetball with his dad and sister. How I don't see him anymore. How I miss that face. Is his membership cancelled? Is he OK? I need his address, to send him cards, to bother him. To let him know I miss him.
I'm awake thinking about this. I had to wait for my computer to reload and I looked at the picture I have as my desktop wallpaper and its a picture of my brother Jeff, my nephew Michael and me. And how lucky I am to have these people in my life. To be able to drive up to KC and hang with them. To just be me. How lucky am I? Some people don't have that, I have that times 2. I am able to go over to John's and just hang out and talk and see what's happening and I can call Laura at anytime and get some advice, along with Jen. My cheerleader.
I'm so lucky. I think I sometimes forget HOW lucky I really am. I might be going to school full time and trying to make ends meet, and sometimes it's hard to make the grocery bill or whatever, but I have probably the best family I could ask for. They keep me real, keep me sane and keep me human. They let me be me. And they never fail to let me know how good I'm doing at what I'm doing and letting me they are proud. And there are times I need to hear that, especially when I don't feel like I'm making it. That I'm not cutting it. When I feel my 100% isn't enough. But I get to come home to a home that is truly me and a cat that is awesome.
I truly am lucky and so blessed. I wish everyone were as blessed as I am. I'm sure there are many that are more blessed, and some not as, but how can you say who is more and who is less? Is being blessed the same all the way around? Can anyone answer me that? I don't know how to answer that.

I'm out.

Tops of 2008

2009-01-01T22:24:00.006-06:00

Well, I officially made it through 2008. I had my worries about it, but deep down, I knew I would make it and be fine.
I grew a lot during this year... more than I really thought. The more I look back, the more I made it with little or alone.
I had a few good investments of 2008.
1. Journey. To come home to a cat who is still has kitten in her, is so awesome. She's usually happy to see me, wants to snuggle and lets me hug her when I need one. She always wants to be where I am and she's pretty awesome. She's goofy and hilarious and by far the best investment of this year.

2. iPhone 3G. Yeah, it's the best phone out there! I have the world in the palm of my hand and it's fantastic. I love it.
3. Cover my my Apple. I carry my computer to class constantly and it was getting beat up. It needed some coverage.
4. Canon XTi. Yup, what I needed was a camera, but its awesome. I got some great photos from the NBC Tournament and where ever else I was. It was great to just have and know that I can and able to take some awesome pictures with it and know that I am able to do some free lance stuff if I want to. Good to know.
5. Getting my car fixed rather than getting a new one. After my accident, I had the option of fixing my totaled car or getting a new one. I decided to get mine fixed and keep it forever. I still think it was a great idea. I love my Honda.

Those might be my top 5 best investments of the year, but there are some things that I didn't purchase which were the best things of 2008.
1. I passed Physiology of Exercise. I never studied so hard for a D in my life. But I got through it and I don't have to retake it. I even got an email from my instructor, "Congratulations. Reminded me of the 2004 ALCS and this time you were down 3 games to none. I had pretty much written you off but you made a tremendous comeback that will go down in the history books. Nice job. Enjoy the holidays!"
I thought that was pretty awesome. But then, we had the Red Sox in common and when we did our jeopardy in class one day, I answered all the Red Sox questions. I knew all the hard stuff. I rocked it, everyone was impressed.
2. I passed Kinesology and Biomechanics and Motor Learning. Somehow. I got a B in both classes, but I was worried.
3. I made it through Stats. Finally. That class was evil. Plain and simple, evil.
4. I made some killer friends this year. I learned a lot from my friends, and who my real friends are. The ones that stood by me when I needed them the most, the ones that stayed up late with me to help me study for a final or for tests. The ones who would call just to see how I was doing because they hadn't heard from me in a while or hadn't seen me. And the ones who just kept me in line.

I am slowly, and still learning what is important, what and who I can live without and how to make ends meet. I somehow keeping getting saved and bailed out when I need it the most. With the important things, everything is good. My family is healthy and we all keep going. We keep leaning on each other when we need it the most and even when we don't. That's what we do. We make each other crazy in stressful times and in not. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I had some decent tops, but those are probably the best.
My cat- by far the best thing of 2008.

How can you not love this?! Although she was pissed at me for a good few minute... it was fun!!!

I'm out.

Christmas time!

2008-12-27T18:36:00.005-06:00

Well, its 2 days after Christmas and I haven't updated this thing in a good, long time. You thought I forgot about you, huh? Well, to be honest, I kind of did. I've been a busy person lately. I had papers to write, Thanksgiving, finals and then Christmas. It just happened all so quickly. I still can't believe Christmas has come and gone. Weird. But, things are going pretty well. School was tough this semester. My Ex Phys class was probably the toughest I have had in a good long time. I mean, I never studied so hard for a D in my life.

This year was different. Because of finals and whatnot, I had to made the Pithens without Dad. He went to Florida earlier than normal and it was up to me to make them. I have been making these things with him since I can remember, and the past few years I do a lot of the work, but never completely alone. I'll make the dough without him or something, but never the whole thing. I was pretty impressed with my outcome!

This is the best one out of the batch, but they all looked damn good and tasted AWESOME! I got the approval from the family, which is the hardest thing to do.
And the day after I baked these, my sister in laws and I baked the next day. I baked 3 kinds of cookies, Jen made peanut butter balls and other stuff and Laura made fudge and oreo balls. All were fantastic. I'm done baking for a while. This was 4 hours of being in the kitchen.

And I think I'm done baking for a while. I don't think I can handle much more of this. This could explain why my kitchen is a disaster right now.
It was fun though!

Hope everyone's holiday was great and good luck in 2009!!

I'm out.

6 random things

2008-11-10T23:27:00.004-06:00

I was tagged by Todd and according to the “official” rules:

Link to the person who tagged you.
Post the rules on your blog.
Write 6 random things about yourself.
Tag 6-ish people at the end of your post.
Let each person know he/she has been tagged.
Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Six random things about me:
1. I'm afraid of railroad tracks. I have always been. They freak me out. I hold tight to the steering wheel really, really tight when I drive over them and since I have to drive over them nearly everyday, you'd think I'd get over that fear... nope. I also have a picture I took and developed of railroad tracks. I almost peed my pants taking that shot. It meant I had to STAND on the railroad tracks to take it. No good my friends, no good.

2. My shirts have to be organized. They have to hang the same way and they are in an order of Red Sox, WSU, other and workout. They have to face the right.

3. I used to play the piano. I kind of wish I still did. It always amazes me when people can just sit down and play. I wish I could do that with my guitar too. (I do own one, just can't play it).

4. I don't see movies... very often. I love to, I love going to them, renting them, watching them on TV. I just don't. I have yet to see the Departed, a movie I have tried to rent since Mike Whitton came out to visit... that was almost 2 years ago.

5. I love to cook, I just don't. My time is very limited and when I'm home, I'm tired and I just don't cook. I have plenty of stuff to do so, I just don't. Chalk it up to laziness or too busy.

6. I love books. I could spend HOURS in Borders or Barnes and Noble. I really could. It relaxes me, I guess. Gift cards are always accepted by me!

I'm tagging:
1.Teresa
2. Jackie
3. Jack
4. Vanessa

Easy enough blog for the day!

I'm out.

What it takes

2008-11-09T21:42:00.004-06:00

I've learned a lot about myself these past few days. I don't know what is so special about these few days, but maybe it's I've tried to see why I am the way I am. I guess my father's talks have helped. Weird. I figured he's the only person that can piss me off in a second and he's the only one that can calm me down in a second. If I can find someone who does that, I need to keep them around. I guess I haven't found that yet. But, maybe I will.

A strangled smile feel from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said, "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said, "Like it or not, it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

Yeah, I'm in a lyric mood these past few days, deal with it. I got a new CD this weekend...

I'm out.

Broken

2008-11-05T00:41:00.001-06:00

The Broken clock is a comfort
It let's me sleep tonight
Maybe it can start tomorrow
From steeling all my time
I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barley breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
Barley holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
Tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection
Inside my eyes
That are looking for purpose
There still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barley breathing
With a broken heart
That's still breating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
(I'm still holdin on) (I'm holdin on)
I'm barley holding on to you

Hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, I'll be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barley breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin')(I'm holdin' on)(I'm still holdin' on) (I'm holdin' on) (I'm still holdin')
Barley holding on to you (I'm still holdin on)
Barley holdin on to you

-Broken
Lifehouse
"Who We Are"

I'm out.

Chapter 3

2008-11-03T11:10:00.002-06:00

I fell for it- hook, line and sinker. Everyone in that family was involved. But it was cool. I felt comfortable. Probably the most comfortable I had felt in a really, really long time. He was everything I wanted and needed. He was sweet, good guy. The perfect one for me. Yet, I was scared because of my last relationship and I kept him at a distance. Too much of a distance. He was offered a job in Arizona and turned it down- he wanted to stay here and he wanted me. Yet, I kept him at a distance. He was offered the job again- this time, he took it. I no longer wanted to keep him at a distance. But, I let him go, I had to. I no longer had a choice in the matter. and he left. We kept in touch, but not as much as I would have liked. I have tried to get down to see him, but I just haven't had the money. I think he's the one I let get away. i didn't expect it to be him, I thought it would have been Joey, but nope. Now he's away and I'm here wondering. There is nothing left I can do except have a regret. I hate having regrets, but I think he's one regret- I let him get away. I wish I hadn't. I wish I knew what I had in front of me and saw the best thing was right there and he wanted me and I was too damn scared.

I'm out.

Halloween night

2008-11-01T00:39:00.003-05:00

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. You will call upon me and and come and to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart." -- Jeremiah 29:11-13.
This scripture got me through probably the toughest time of my life so far. My mentor Tonia gave this scripture to me one Wednesday night at church. She gave a lot of scriptures that night and she gave this one to me. She told me to read it, really read it, and learn what it says. And remember it. She knew me, she knew I needed that. I read it. I read it with Shannon and we talked about it. Then at the end of class Tonia had me read it to the group. I nearly cried while reading it. I still almost do. I think about that scripture a lot. I try not to remember where I was when I learned it, but I remember. I think about this night in 1998. The Flood of 1998. Oh, how I remember it well.... too well.
This is why this day is so important. I try to do something for myself on this day every year. Something special for ME. It may not be my birthday, but this day is highly important to me and I will never forget, although sometimes I wish I could. But, my past is my past and every year I will celebrate of my overcomingness and try to keep putting it behind me.

I'm out.

Enough already.

2008-10-28T12:31:00.002-05:00

Wow, people amaze me. People sometimes need to keep their mouths shut, but it doesn't happen. It blows my mind. How can people be so ignorant and so closed-minded? How can guns really make things better by holding on to them? They can't. So, so stop thinking they can and making the point that the country was built on it. So, stop. And shut up.

A brief belief

2008-10-21T01:05:00.004-05:00

I was asked tonight what do I believe in? And I could take this anyway I wanted to. And answer it anyway I wanted to. This is what I came up with.

What do I believe in? Anything.

I believe in God. I believe in the Son and Holy Spirit. I believe in Heaven, so therefore I believe in Hell. I believe in angels so, I must believe in demons. I believe in purpose. I believe God won’t give me more than I can handle, although I think He’s wrong sometimes. I believe in fate. I believe in soul mates. I believe I met my soul mate when I was 16. I think he has forgotten I’m his. I believe people are brought into your life for a certain reason and it might take time to figure out why they are there. I believe, sometimes, you have to let that person go, no matter how hard it is. I believe family is the most important thing. Ever. A family defines you. But I believe a family isn’t just blood, it is who you make it to be. My friends are an extension of my family. I believe in love, and I believe it isn’t easy. I believe the best marriages are the ones where you have to struggle at some point. There was 131 years of marriage between both sets of my grandparents before one of my grandpas past away. I believe a guy should take care of the woman. Take care of her, as in making her feel special and important. I believe I’m good person, with good intentions. I like to believe I’m real. I believe I’m honest, for the most part. I believe I wear my heart on my sleeve, much more than I would like to. I believe in people, probably too much sometimes.
Believe in something, or you’ll fall for anything.

That’s what I believe in.

I also believe in this group. This church group, this group of young people, whose hearts are as big as Texas or bigger. Who have hearts of gold and believe in each other more than anyone ever could. I remember when I was there and I had this. It was the biggest part of my life and I wouldn't trade that time for anything. I leaned on them so much and they helped me believe in me again. And that is the biggest belief I ever needed to have.

I'm out.

Life and school

2008-10-19T23:13:00.003-05:00

I think I got myself into a jam, so to speak. I know this guy... who is pretty awesome. And for as long as I can remember, I've a crush on him (what am I, like 12?!) But anyway... I have and he's always been married, so I kept it quiet and now he has 2 little kids and getting a divorce. And I know, I need to be careful, I'm well aware of this. But, he asked me to hang out and watch baseball and I have every intention on keeping it as friends until he's ready. But, we were talking tonight and he and the wife are going to try to work it out- which is good- but I don't want to be the fall back or whatever. I'm trying to not get too involved with him, just keep it friends. And he knows this and he's very cool about it, it's what he wants too. But I know there is a connection and an attraction there, it's just weird. I've never actually been in this situation before, I've seen it happen with my brother, but this is different because I'm actually a part of it. This could be interesting.

On a side note, here are some pictures from the VO2 Max lab we did in our Exercise Physiology class. I was one of the runners. Surprise there. Afterward, I wanted to kill myself. And I wanted to kill my friends for taking these damn pictures. But, I didn't because I'm posting them on my blog. So, here is what I am a part of in school this semester. Mom, aren't you proud!?!?

I'm out!

Bad day on a beautiful Saturday

2008-09-20T23:24:00.002-05:00

I hurt my baby. He's my baby and now he's hurt. and I know these things happen and I have decently clean record, but he's my baby and I'm supposed to take care of him. And today I didn't. And I'm sad about it. I'm pissed about it and it makes me cry. I'm fine, but my car isn't. My Red Sox tag has been destroyed. My bumper torn off.
I hurt my baby.

I'm out.

Chapter 2b

2008-09-14T22:17:00.003-05:00

I want to forget him. I want to pretend I never met him, never fell in love with him and let him go. I'm not sure how easy this is going to be. Because I know I'm not the same person I would have been if I hadn't ever met him. I wonder how I would be had I never met him, laid eyes on him, spoke to him, never went on that retreat that weekend. How both of our lives would be different. I know I can get by without seeing him, but it doesn't mean I don't think about him every once in a while. Because I do. I think of him probably more than I should or more than he thinks of me. But, he was still my soul mate when I was in high school and the first part of college. I wanted nothing more than to be with him forever. I highly, highly doubt that is even an option for us now. I'm on the doubting side he thinks of me much, although I know he and Mike talk periodically and I come up in the conversation, but it's the same story. Not ready, blah, blah, blah. If he wants to marry me, he better get a move on. I don't think he does anymore and I'm not sure.
At the time, he was the best thing to happen to me. He made me whole again. He filled a gap in my life I had been missing and needed. He really cared about me. I know he loved me. And I loved him. And he was my first love and I know I'll never get all of my heart back because after your first love you never get all of your heart back. They keep part of it. I can never forget what he did for me and for my life. He helped me in a way I couldn't help myself. He helped save my life.
Tell me how to let go of THAT?!

I'm out.